I've been posting here a lot lately.

Checked my grades maybe a minute ago. 90 in math already. Almost an 89, only reason it's a 90 is it rounded the decimal. 89 in gym already. My science grade isn't updated but I did poorly on my last test so it'll be around a C.

I'll never be able to make my gym grade up. The gym teacher this year just grades too harshly so if anything it's just going to get lower. And science and math are too hard and I don't know what I'm doing...

I have come to the realization that if I don't go inpatient I probably will try to kill myself and that is the scariest thing ever. I found myself counting my pills last night. My mind telling me to just take them. And then this morning it was the same thing, to just take them. Those thoughts won't stop.

Part of me just wants to try to kill myself rather than go inpatient because I don't want to hear my parents but part of me feels screwed if I don't die because I'll have to hear...

Was doing some thinking yesterday in the shower, because don't a lot of people think in the shower?

I remembered the night I got promoted from 8th grade, basically a graduation but the school didn't call it that because it's only from middle school, not for high school. My family came. Originally, many of them weren't supposed to because we were only allowed a certain amount of tickets, but the person who handled the tickets knew me and liked me so we got more. I wore a dress and...

There is a huge list of people who have had a rough life and often think about suicide. I myself, am not exempt from this list. My circumstances were different, just as everyone's are. I was actually trying to quit smoking by taking a prescription called Chantix. That pill worked for about 2 weeks, until other things in my life came along, which just added to it. I was going through a divorce with my ex-wife, but nothing I could do was good enough to fix our...

I'm so sad that my sister was looking through my phone one day. I got paranoid and deleted the pictures I took of the cuts on my thighs. They were fresh. Bloody. New. And I needed to remember what was there since I can never ever cut there again now that my mom is going to be seeing my thighs Wednesay. I wish I didn't delete those pictures because now they're fading and that's sad to me. I liked just staring at it. I wish I could cut there some more. And my arms and everywhere. Is it so bad that...

Okay so I am 100% exhausted and look and feel like hell. So this blog may or may not make sense and it may or may not be long.

As some of you may or may not be aware I told my mom about everything that is going on in my life and it felt as if she brushed off the suicidal thoughts. I told her that I don't feel like I'll be living much past graduation and she brushed it off as just thoughts. Little does she know that I have pills.

The cutting has gotten worse and I'm...

I told my mom today about the suicidal thoughts and the self harm. She thinks it's all because of the fact that I'm unsure if I want to be a doctor or not and that it's okay if I don't want to be a doctor, and hell, I can be a garbageman if that's what I want. But I don't know what I want. She brushed off the fact that I told her in the letter that I don't want to live past eighteen as just thoughts. Didn't really take it seriously. But at least now I can tell J that.

She saw a cut...

I don't know anymore.

I go from so motivated to tell my parents everything and even going so far as to type a letter and have HelpLINK review it for me to tell me how it sounds to completely chickening out and not being able to give it to them. Sorry for wasting your time.

I don't see myself in the future anymore. I don't see myself doing my dream job because it'll be too hard and I'll fail. College seems stressful. I don't see myself getting married or having kids....

I'll be posting in HL about this in a few months. But I needed to ramble out my thoughts in the meantime.

The suicidal thoughts won't go away. I've been thinking about it most days. Even when I'm happy the thoughts are still there. About overdosing. I have the day set and everything. The time, I'm a bit more flexible with but I do have the day. I still have pills from when I was storing them before. I haven't been sick or had many in my disposal to add more, but I can't say that I never...

Get the picture? I'm not okay.

And I don't know why.

Last night I had to call Live Help because I wanted to cut and even though I was outwardly, and maybe inwardly calm, my brain was telling me to take the pills.

Today I got that weird chest feeling again and cut a lot and I can't calm down and I want to cut some more and I was supposed to be asleep...