I am seventeen years old. I will be eighteen on June 3rd so in about nine days. At eighteen years old, I will have as much freedom as I did at like, twelve.

My dad is 63 and will be 64 at the end of August, and my mom is 61 and will be 62 at the end of June. That means they were born in 1950 and 1952, and had me in their mid forties pretty much.

You can see where the problem comes in. Unlike children who were born when their parents were young, there is a HUGEHUGEHUGE...

I realize I don't want to be.
Or feel.
Or do anything at all.

Part of me doesn't want to go to college.
Or get a job.
Or drive.

I wish I had the heart to push people away.
But I still do care about them.
Just not in the right ways.
And far from enough.

Too many things are coming to an end.
And way too many are beginning.

I'm tired.
I wish I could lay in my bed for the rest of...

I wonder what it takes to qualify as "unstable" or a danger to yourself. I don't even think I want to get better.

I hate when you make a decision then realize the decision is bad and then you feel like shit. I should have finished the AP exam because now I feel guilty and worthless and like a failure for walking out and I've cried so much over this that I'm so exhausted now. I was crying so hard I was gagging. But even if I stayed I would have felt bad. I wasn't understanding...

My friends tell me all of these cool stories about the things they do. And even stories that I shouldn't approve of but I wish I could do and get away with anyway. Going to parties, hanging out with friends, hell, even drinking and shoplifting and getting away with both. Buying this and that, getting tattoos/piercings, dying their hair. Getting new cars. Doing all of these good things for the community. Getting some award.

Having some talent. They all sing, dance, do something. Because...

Can't do this. Really can't do this. I'm so stupid and won't make it anywhere in life and ugh. Cried like twice today and it put my brain in such a haze. It always makes me so tired and sick feeling to cry. I can't think. I can't type. I just want to curl up and sleep. Getting a headache from the stress I'm under.

Skipped out on therapy on Friday because I just wanted to go home. I hope she still calls me down at some point this week. I she doesn't by Friday I'll probably give in...

It all hit me again. 65 in science isn't going to get improved because I realized from the start of everything that I can't do it and have more work for that class loaded on top of me to add on to all of it. Fun. Spent the other night crying because I realized how much of a failure I really am. Haven't studied. Any time I think about it I cry.

Math: Apparently what we are doing has a lot of "simple algebra" in it. Simple? God. I can't even do any of it.

...

Everything is triggering me right now which absolutely sucks. Art class made me want to cut myself so bad yesterday, which art hadn't done that to me in a long time. I wanted to cry and just stopped working for a while until my teacher walked up to me and asked me if I was confused and helped me. I'm so stupid. Can't even do simple art projects right let alone harder ones (and this one wasn't even hard).

My friend got into Wesleyan University. I probably should be happy for her but...

Meeting with my therapist was today.

Went shitty. As expected. Don't know why I expected it to go any less.

Mom doesn't listen to anything someone says. I tell her my side of things and she just disagrees or brushes it off or puts it all on college. My therapist tells her she is worried that I'll end up dead someday (I agree) and my mom flips shit, screams at her, and leaves.

Yells at me throughout the entire car ride about how they're just thoughts and everyone...

Half of me cares, half of me doesn't. I don't know how to do anything in school anymore, half because I'm a stupid fuck and half because I just don't care anymore, but then I get back my grades and remind myself just how much of a worthless failure I really am.

And half of me still just wants to take the pills, god dammit, if only I had the courage to they'd be swallowed right now. And still want to slice up my arms with the pretty new tool. Though I'm going to the YOUTH Forum event...

Too bad I don't have the guts to actually kill myself.

If someone could tell me, though, why the past week or more have been a struggle and fix it for me, I'd appreciate it.

I'm back at a time where I tell myself I'm tired of being a failure, tired of feeling worthless, tired of trying. I'm back at a time where I tell myself that I still have some time to kill myself before my niece will remember me. She's only 9 months old. I'll say if I kill myself at a time when...