Welp. I guess is the continuation of my earlier blog. Sorry for posting two in one day.

This day was...bad. Really bad. I'm starting to calm down now, but exhaustion has also taken over from not sleeping so...

But yeah. I moved in. That went fine. My niece was there though because my dad couldn't come. He can't lift because of the surgery. My sister didn't have a sitter so my niece had to come.

It was okay until the goodbye. I know I am probably coming...

My friends tell me all of these cool stories about the things they do. And even stories that I shouldn't approve of but I wish I could do and get away with anyway. Going to parties, hanging out with friends, hell, even drinking and shoplifting and getting away with both. Buying this and that, getting tattoos/piercings, dying their hair. Getting new cars. Doing all of these good things for the community. Getting some award.

Having some talent. They all sing, dance, do something. Because...

It never does. The stress-free me never stays for long. The stress is always lurking in the shadows.

Christmas was all right. Some fun parts then some parts that I just don't care. It's not that I wasn't happy, it's just there's no fun in Christmas for me anymore. Not when I know what 95% of my gifts are before Christmas because I have to pick them out. Not when it's the same routine. Wake up, open presents, hide in room with cool new stuff for a while and family does their thing,...

Well, at this very moment I'm calm I guess but I know things are going to set me off. And they're going to set me off hard.

I don't know if it's because I have my period or what the hell this is but.

I didn't cut myself today but I did for two days straight. I mean it's not a horrible cycle but. It's not saying I didn't want to cut today, but things got in the way when I was triggered.

I almost started crying in like every class, had kids tell me to calm...

I just feel so much at once but yet nothing at all. Depressed and heavy and tired and dead and emotionless and anxious and overwhelmed and unmotivated and uncaring but too caring ant the same time and I have too much to do in no time and don't want to do any of it but yet have to do all of it and kind of want to do all of it at the same time. Need a break. Will never get one.

Okay so I am 100% exhausted and look and feel like hell. So this blog may or may not make sense and it may or may not be long.

As some of you may or may not be aware I told my mom about everything that is going on in my life and it felt as if she brushed off the suicidal thoughts. I told her that I don't feel like I'll be living much past graduation and she brushed it off as just thoughts. Little does she know that I have pills.

The cutting has gotten worse and I'm...

So, everyone thinks that me and my friend, M, should date. Neither of us agree and feel our shop is too sibling-like for us to ever work out. However, with all the pressure coming from outside sources, I think he is mad at me. He wasn't really talking to me today after outclass and my friend said she thinks he's mad at me.

I can't lose him as a friend. I just can't. I started crying for a while earlier at the thought. I don't want him mad at me or upset with me or thinking different...

Okay, I'm in a bad mood now. As usual, it's all thanks to mother.

So tonight, I finally got around to getting my traditional Japanese wooden shoes (geta) out of my closet, along with the matching Japanese socks. I put them on, and then I put on the kimono dress Jon bought me. No pants, just the dress, which cuts off just above the knee. Jon has been asking me to try it and see how it looks with the traditional shoes and socks, and I thought it was cute. I went to my mom's room to...

Ugh. My computer is messing up even worse now. I can't access deviantart anymore, which was very important. It's more than a place for me to look at artwork, I get some good inspiration from there, along with a few ideas for some references for practice.

Practice. Ugh...practicing is tough without some anatomy visuals. I'm about to strangle my anatomy models, I swear. "Can take any pose the human body takes" my ass. They're helpful, but only to an extent. At this rate I'm...

I'm am so stressed out. Its only the 3rd week of school, and already I'm feeling like I'm losing my mind rather quickly. Every. Single. Day. is a fucking struggle. A struggle to try and stay positive, a struggle to not act out any SH or ED urges, a struggle to get through school material, just a fucking struggle. For everything. It feels like nothing is going to be easy, ever again.

I thought I could trust that my relationship with E would be the one easy thing in my life, but even...