I had my physical today.

My blood pressure is high. This could be because of my birth control. I'm scared that I'll have to stop taking it. It was working so well on my periods already, I don't want to go back to not using any. =/

They also tested my hearing and it wasn't as good as it should be. I may have a problem hearing with my right ear.

Both of these things mean I have to go back to the doctor in a month. Now I can't help but be worried.

...

My second therapy session went well. Last time I was there, S said that she wanted to talk to my parents. She even told them that she wanted to talk to them, and then either she forgot, or she just didn't. If she didn't, it meant it was probably for the LGBT issue, and I told her not to. My mom wanted to talk to her today too so I was freaking out the entire time, but then SHE forgot. Interesting.
My therapist said I was making progress on my perfectionism, but I don't think so. It's just...

Sometimes I think that I am fighting a losing battle over here.

My mom said that if I ever self harmed again, she'd put me into inpatient therapy because I have "no reason to self harm" and, well, of course she thinks my suicidal thoughts are exaggerated.
But, I've been thinking.

No, the thoughts haven't gone away like I said.
I've lied to my therapist about the last time I've self harmed.
The therapist is already suggesting I see a psychiatrist, and is going to talk to my mom about this next time I see her.Once she does,...

I try coming out to my mom today. Know what she says? Pretty much stuff along the lines of: "Who's a lesbian making you want to be one? You want to be everything you read. Start thinking with your own mind for once, if you think you're a lesbian you really do have problems."
I KNEW she was going to say that, I just KNEW that. Everything is a game to her, my self harm, suicidal thoughts. You know what? I don't fucking KNOW why I feel so bad all the time, I really DON'T. And by...

My guidance counselor: "Have you cut anymore?"
Me: *deer in the headlights look, reluctantly shakes head no*

Answer I WANT to say: Yes, about three or four times since a bit before vacation. Relapsing keeps happening and I'm losing control again.

Can't have my parents knowing, though, really can't. Can't be locked up for 72 hours in some psych hospital. Grounded. Have my technology taken. Get lectured by various relatives.

The other day my...

While sitting there talking to people feeling fine I end up cutting.
I'm so stupid. It's on the wrist this time. At least if I'm gone for a while you know why.

I'm so fucked up. Get that sad scared feeling in my heart out of nowhere. Cut out of nowhere. Tired out of nowhere. No motivation out of nowhere.

Sick with a cold right now. The fuck's wrong with me?

Sometimes my mother makes it really fucking hard for me to tell her shit. No, impossible.


Everything that I do is me playing “a game” to her.
My Self Harm is just me playing a game. It’s just me doing it for attention. Yeah, because I’m going to get fucking addicted to something and do it whenever I feel like shit, which is often, for attention. And then hide it.
My suicidal thoughts aren’t that bad. The school was totally just overreacting when they told you....

Tear me down and break my soul
take my life, Im spinning out of control.

My knees are weak and scraped to shreds.
My wrists black and blue from being tied to the beds.

My body wretched, sliced by a knife.
Someone please just come and take my life.

My mouth torn open, throat sore and dry.
I want to scream, please just tell me why?

My blood bleeds black, You stole my heart.
Took it and just ripped it all apart....

Im Sitting here again.
The bathroom floor is beggining to feel more comforting each time.

My wrists laying at my sides.
The blood that stains the floor beside me.
I did it again.

I know what you all think.
How could you?
are you stupid?

I can't help myself.
If you only knew.
The sharp rigged edges that pierce my skin is my only escape.
My getaway.

Feeling the cold turn into burning heat.
...