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I'll never be good enough. I'm NOT good enough. I question every little thing I do and it's just not right.

I get scared when people ask me for advice because a lot of the time I'm not in the right state of mind to do it, or am scared I won't have the answers and then they'll get upset, but I just can't say no.

I'm never going to be smart enough. Someone will always be so much better than me and get all the attention and I'll be left in the dust. They'll be the ones to...

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No matter how many times people try to convince me otherwise, no matter how many times I try to convince myself otherwise, I always feel in my heart that I'll never be good enough. That no matter how hard I try it'll never be enough. That I'll never succeed. That nothing will ever change for me.

I go through periods of doing good. Today was one of my better days in THREE WEEKS. But I know it won't last. It never lasts. I've been so depressed lately even though I never show it, everything...

I don't know how many of you have noticed how down I have gotten lately. I had relapsed with my SH 4 or 5 days in a row, something I usually don't do. Yesterday broke that cycle and today has been good so far.

I've been dreading answering the phone, getting annoyed when I do, and I've noticed myself distancing from people I talk to, whether it is on MSN or here. So, for all of you who may have noticed this, I'm so, so sorry. Sometimes I even dread it when people hug me or touch me,...

So, I have a friend who self harms and mentioned to me today that they had self harmed with an Exacto knife blade. Of course, because they are pretty much my best friend in the entire universe, I was worried about them. At the same time, I was jealous as fuck that they were using an Exacto knife blade. I was just sitting there thinking to myself, "I wish I had one of these," and wishing that this person would give me one. Like I was thinking of begging them to find me one or something...

I did it again. I cut. On the arm. Only once but still. I have NO excuse whatsoever as to how I could have gotten a cut there. Fuck. I really can't lose my phone and my computer, I really can't be grounded. I just can't do this. Even with worrying about getting caught I am calmed down now, because the SH calms me and that's why I DO this, and I probably won't worry too much more about it as soon as I find a valid excuse for why it's there, but still. It's really not a bad cut either, not too deep...

I really don't know why I feel so shitty right now. Monday was fine enough, Tuesday I had to take two statewide tests and a final for science. I almost had a breakdown in science class that day, pretty much I threw my pen down and came super close to crying, calling myself a failure, the whole nine yards. Wednesday I was just under stress and whatever, like I have been for a while now. I was supposed to have therapy today but the coolant line in our car broke and so we had to cancel the appointment....

I had a therapy appointment today. Thank fucking god. I feel a lot better now but realized after I left what I needed to talk to her about. That's annoying. And she always asks me if I've cut again and I have to LIE to her and say no because she's a mandatory reporter and would tell my mom. The real answer is yes, yes I have cut. I wish I didn't have to lie but I really don't want my parents taking away my phone, yelling at me, and grounding me. I really wish I could admit to it and don't really...

I went to my therapist appointment and she wants me to see a psychiatrist. If I see a psychiatrist, my mom would only want me to see her once because we can't afford to see both a therapist and psychiatrist, and my mom still thinks nothing's wrong with me.
I'd be seeing the psychiatrist for self harm and a possible diagnosis of depression. My mom is a shitty listener and didn't hear the depression part until I told her, and my mom pretty much got pissed off and said that I really must be...