Wow, TeenHelp. It’s been quite some time since I last posted here, and my life as changed in all sorts of ways.

Well, let’s with the positive then. I started learning to drive around Christmas time, got my permit & everything. I got my braces off in November, and plans for me to get a car before/on my 16th birthday are in place…uh yeah. I can’t think of much positive at the moment. :c

...

I'll start with Christmas first. It was cool, any other day. I got the clothes I wanted, a lava lamp, season 1 of Law & Order: SVU, Sims, and books. So basically besides family time I was reading Tilt by Ellen Hopkins (Finished it!) and playing Sims all day. It was awesome. And my sister liked the gift I got her. We even got gifts for my niece even though technically she's not here yet. Expect another blog entry when she arrives, and maybe a forum post.

But Christmas Eve? Yesterday...

I get frustrated so easy right now and it's really embarrassing.

First time was like three days ago or something like that. I was in my computer class and we had to troubleshoot our computers, I got frustrated after two seconds and was nearly in tears. I was so done. and Mr. M. noticed and talked to me about it, apologizing and saying how it'd be okay. I knew it would be okay. :/ I was just frustrated.

And today I had to take my art project back to my computer class to...

So, everyone thinks that me and my friend, M, should date. Neither of us agree and feel our shop is too sibling-like for us to ever work out. However, with all the pressure coming from outside sources, I think he is mad at me. He wasn't really talking to me today after outclass and my friend said she thinks he's mad at me.

I can't lose him as a friend. I just can't. I started crying for a while earlier at the thought. I don't want him mad at me or upset with me or thinking different...

I saw C for the first time today. She's the lady that will be my counsellor until January, and then another woman named J is taking over. It kinda sucks that C will only be there until January, because she seems really nice. The only thing I didn't like was the fact that she used the term "self-mutilation" once. I hate that word.

But as I said, she seemed really nice and she is the type of woman to ask questions. I trust her, I really do, but I don't know how much I'll be...

I had a mental breakdown last night.

I cut myself a little bit and really wanted to do it a lot more. I wanted to see the blood and do what I had to to release the anxiety and that heavy feeling on my heart. I only did a little bit but knew I had to refrain before I got myself into trouble with my parents.

So what do I do? I call a hotline. The self harm hotline was closed so I called the suicide hotline because well, I was in danger of cutting too much or too deep...

Hurting myself is my addicition, like any other one. I’ve never done drugs, or drank alcohol or anything like that, but I still can’t stop hurting myself. If it’s not my eating disorder, then its cutting, depression, or it’s something else entirely. Not giving a shit about life, pushing the people I love away, isolation, whatever, I just can’t stop harming myself in one way or another. It’s been this way as long as I can remember…I literally HATE myself. Yes, hate is a strong word, and I mean almost...

I want to be able to say I'm happy, and actually mean it. I want to be able to eat a piece of cake, without crying or purging or anything else. I want to not keep finding ways to hurt myself. I slipped up, again. Found another blade, sliced my wrist open. It felt so..amazing. And yet I'm so ashamed. I can't stop wanting to hurt myself. I can't help that I just want to stop breathing, but I don't want to leave E.

I told E that I've only been half-ass trying to recover. I promised I...

I don't even know. Ever since a few days before school started I've been feeling depressed, or maybe anxious, or a bit of both again. I don't really want to do work or accept the new changes and personally I find everything kind of hellish right now. The classes, some of the people, everything. I sat there in class yesterday and randomly felt like crying and there have been times where I have felt that pressure in my chest, that sad-scared feeling in my heart.

I'm tired, but I'm never...

School starts tomorrow. Somebody shoot me now.

I don't know what I'm going to do, how I'm going to hold up. Between all the hard classes, driving school, and a new "excersize plan" I don't know if I'll have time to breath.

E is being optimistic. We met at my old highschool last year, and now I'm moving to a new highschool, (it's a "magnet...