Can't do this. Really can't do this. I'm so stupid and won't make it anywhere in life and ugh. Cried like twice today and it put my brain in such a haze. It always makes me so tired and sick feeling to cry. I can't think. I can't type. I just want to curl up and sleep. Getting a headache from the stress I'm under.

Skipped out on therapy on Friday because I just wanted to go home. I hope she still calls me down at some point this week. I she doesn't by Friday I'll probably give in...

I just feel so much at once but yet nothing at all. Depressed and heavy and tired and dead and emotionless and anxious and overwhelmed and unmotivated and uncaring but too caring ant the same time and I have too much to do in no time and don't want to do any of it but yet have to do all of it and kind of want to do all of it at the same time. Need a break. Will never get one.

Too bad I don't have the guts to actually kill myself.

If someone could tell me, though, why the past week or more have been a struggle and fix it for me, I'd appreciate it.

I'm back at a time where I tell myself I'm tired of being a failure, tired of feeling worthless, tired of trying. I'm back at a time where I tell myself that I still have some time to kill myself before my niece will remember me. She's only 9 months old. I'll say if I kill myself at a time when...

It's like.

I don't feel overly bad, not horrible by any means and nothing much has happened except my period came. And now it's gone.
I still can't say I feel horrible, just eh I guess. I have my good moments but yet I'm cutting so much and I don't even know why. There have been at least seven instances this month, and a lot of resisting. I've made my thickest cut I've ever made and long to do it again but can't seem to figure out how. I've bled so much I've just slightly tinted...

Get the picture? I'm not okay.

And I don't know why.

Last night I had to call Live Help because I wanted to cut and even though I was outwardly, and maybe inwardly calm, my brain was telling me to take the pills.

Today I got that weird chest feeling again and cut a lot and I can't calm down and I want to cut some more and I was supposed to be asleep...

I get frustrated so easy right now and it's really embarrassing.

First time was like three days ago or something like that. I was in my computer class and we had to troubleshoot our computers, I got frustrated after two seconds and was nearly in tears. I was so done. and Mr. M. noticed and talked to me about it, apologizing and saying how it'd be okay. I knew it would be okay. :/ I was just frustrated.

And today I had to take my art project back to my computer class to...

I had a mental breakdown last night.

I cut myself a little bit and really wanted to do it a lot more. I wanted to see the blood and do what I had to to release the anxiety and that heavy feeling on my heart. I only did a little bit but knew I had to refrain before I got myself into trouble with my parents.

So what do I do? I call a hotline. The self harm hotline was closed so I called the suicide hotline because well, I was in danger of cutting too much or too deep...

I had a pretty good week last week I guess. Nothing major happened. But yet this week, still nothing has happened and I find my negative thoughts have returned.

My motivation has been down the toilet for a while but yet I still get upset when I don't do well on something. I haven't felt any strong emotions but yet I'm still sitting here thinking all negatively. I'm a failure who will never get anywhere and I feel ugly and wish I could get hit by the nearest bus or something because...