I got a new blade. Again. My friend sent me this one. Cut today for no particular reason except to try it out. This one works the best out of all of them. But it's still not enough. It still won't give me the satisfaction I want since I can't slice myself whenever I want. Now that summer's coming I have to be even more careful but everyone will find out at my birthday or graduation party anyway.

I can't stay happy for long right now anyway. I can be all happy and excited but it's...

Can't do this. Really can't do this. I'm so stupid and won't make it anywhere in life and ugh. Cried like twice today and it put my brain in such a haze. It always makes me so tired and sick feeling to cry. I can't think. I can't type. I just want to curl up and sleep. Getting a headache from the stress I'm under.

Skipped out on therapy on Friday because I just wanted to go home. I hope she still calls me down at some point this week. I she doesn't by Friday I'll probably give in...

Well, at this very moment I'm calm I guess but I know things are going to set me off. And they're going to set me off hard.

I don't know if it's because I have my period or what the hell this is but.

I didn't cut myself today but I did for two days straight. I mean it's not a horrible cycle but. It's not saying I didn't want to cut today, but things got in the way when I was triggered.

I almost started crying in like every class, had kids tell me to calm...

Too bad I don't have the guts to actually kill myself.

If someone could tell me, though, why the past week or more have been a struggle and fix it for me, I'd appreciate it.

I'm back at a time where I tell myself I'm tired of being a failure, tired of feeling worthless, tired of trying. I'm back at a time where I tell myself that I still have some time to kill myself before my niece will remember me. She's only 9 months old. I'll say if I kill myself at a time when...

I've been posting here a lot lately.

Checked my grades maybe a minute ago. 90 in math already. Almost an 89, only reason it's a 90 is it rounded the decimal. 89 in gym already. My science grade isn't updated but I did poorly on my last test so it'll be around a C.

I'll never be able to make my gym grade up. The gym teacher this year just grades too harshly so if anything it's just going to get lower. And science and math are too hard and I don't know what I'm doing...

This morning as I walked to my homeroom, I was walking in front of a few girls who are also seniors. And they were talking about someone. They didn't say any names, so it basically just left me curious. They were talking about another senior and how they couldn't let her donate blood because she had cuts. A lot of them. All up and down her arms. The way they put it there were a hell of a lot of them.

So I was curious in a way. Wanting to know who it was. I always tend to look at people's...

So basically I had an incident with another student in the school. It wasn't anything I felt threatened by, but my parents took what was said by the other student in a threatening way, and reported it to administration.

So, one of the vice principals called me down today. I got so nervous I couldn't breathe and it felt as if I was choking on my words. I guess the best way I can describe it is that it felt as if I was having an asthma attack, only I knew it wasn't an asthma attack...

It's like.

I don't feel overly bad, not horrible by any means and nothing much has happened except my period came. And now it's gone.
I still can't say I feel horrible, just eh I guess. I have my good moments but yet I'm cutting so much and I don't even know why. There have been at least seven instances this month, and a lot of resisting. I've made my thickest cut I've ever made and long to do it again but can't seem to figure out how. I've bled so much I've just slightly tinted...

Warning ahead of time: I do not mean to insult smokers here.

I find the fact my mom's trying to take away cutting but yet I'm still secretly doing it funny, in a way.

Both of us are liars. Both my mom and I are liars.

I think her lies are worse.

She smokes. After my dad got cancer in 4th grade she said she would be completely honest with me and that they'd quit. I don't know if my dad fully quit or not and honestly I'm not angry with him...

I'll start with Christmas first. It was cool, any other day. I got the clothes I wanted, a lava lamp, season 1 of Law & Order: SVU, Sims, and books. So basically besides family time I was reading Tilt by Ellen Hopkins (Finished it!) and playing Sims all day. It was awesome. And my sister liked the gift I got her. We even got gifts for my niece even though technically she's not here yet. Expect another blog entry when she arrives, and maybe a forum post.

But Christmas Eve? Yesterday...