Half of me cares, half of me doesn't. I don't know how to do anything in school anymore, half because I'm a stupid fuck and half because I just don't care anymore, but then I get back my grades and remind myself just how much of a worthless failure I really am.

And half of me still just wants to take the pills, god dammit, if only I had the courage to they'd be swallowed right now. And still want to slice up my arms with the pretty new tool. Though I'm going to the YOUTH Forum event...

I just feel so much at once but yet nothing at all. Depressed and heavy and tired and dead and emotionless and anxious and overwhelmed and unmotivated and uncaring but too caring ant the same time and I have too much to do in no time and don't want to do any of it but yet have to do all of it and kind of want to do all of it at the same time. Need a break. Will never get one.

So basically I had an incident with another student in the school. It wasn't anything I felt threatened by, but my parents took what was said by the other student in a threatening way, and reported it to administration.

So, one of the vice principals called me down today. I got so nervous I couldn't breathe and it felt as if I was choking on my words. I guess the best way I can describe it is that it felt as if I was having an asthma attack, only I knew it wasn't an asthma attack...

Get the picture? I'm not okay.

And I don't know why.

Last night I had to call Live Help because I wanted to cut and even though I was outwardly, and maybe inwardly calm, my brain was telling me to take the pills.

Today I got that weird chest feeling again and cut a lot and I can't calm down and I want to cut some more and I was supposed to be asleep...

I get frustrated so easy right now and it's really embarrassing.

First time was like three days ago or something like that. I was in my computer class and we had to troubleshoot our computers, I got frustrated after two seconds and was nearly in tears. I was so done. and Mr. M. noticed and talked to me about it, apologizing and saying how it'd be okay. I knew it would be okay. :/ I was just frustrated.

And today I had to take my art project back to my computer class to...

I'm am so stressed out. Its only the 3rd week of school, and already I'm feeling like I'm losing my mind rather quickly. Every. Single. Day. is a fucking struggle. A struggle to try and stay positive, a struggle to not act out any SH or ED urges, a struggle to get through school material, just a fucking struggle. For everything. It feels like nothing is going to be easy, ever again.

I thought I could trust that my relationship with E would be the one easy thing in my life, but even...

I want to be able to say I'm happy, and actually mean it. I want to be able to eat a piece of cake, without crying or purging or anything else. I want to not keep finding ways to hurt myself. I slipped up, again. Found another blade, sliced my wrist open. It felt so..amazing. And yet I'm so ashamed. I can't stop wanting to hurt myself. I can't help that I just want to stop breathing, but I don't want to leave E.

I told E that I've only been half-ass trying to recover. I promised I...

School starts tomorrow. Somebody shoot me now.

I don't know what I'm going to do, how I'm going to hold up. Between all the hard classes, driving school, and a new "excersize plan" I don't know if I'll have time to breath.

E is being optimistic. We met at my old highschool last year, and now I'm moving to a new highschool, (it's a "magnet...

I try coming out to my mom today. Know what she says? Pretty much stuff along the lines of: "Who's a lesbian making you want to be one? You want to be everything you read. Start thinking with your own mind for once, if you think you're a lesbian you really do have problems."
I KNEW she was going to say that, I just KNEW that. Everything is a game to her, my self harm, suicidal thoughts. You know what? I don't fucking KNOW why I feel so bad all the time, I really DON'T. And by...