Welp. I guess is the continuation of my earlier blog. Sorry for posting two in one day.

This day was...bad. Really bad. I'm starting to calm down now, but exhaustion has also taken over from not sleeping so...

But yeah. I moved in. That went fine. My niece was there though because my dad couldn't come. He can't lift because of the surgery. My sister didn't have a sitter so my niece had to come.

It was okay until the goodbye. I know I am probably coming...

So I have to finish packing and getting ready because later today I move in to college.

I had no sleep last night. I didn't sleep at all. I was nervous or anxious I guess, because any time I even got remotely comfortable I'd have an upset stomach or have to pee or my chest would feel all funny and scared, and I wanted to cut but I didn't.

But now I feel like hell and I don't know how I am going to make it through the day. I have activities until like 9 PM or something...

I realize I don't want to be.
Or feel.
Or do anything at all.

Part of me doesn't want to go to college.
Or get a job.
Or drive.

I wish I had the heart to push people away.
But I still do care about them.
Just not in the right ways.
And far from enough.

Too many things are coming to an end.
And way too many are beginning.

I'm tired.
I wish I could lay in my bed for the rest of...

I got a new blade. Again. My friend sent me this one. Cut today for no particular reason except to try it out. This one works the best out of all of them. But it's still not enough. It still won't give me the satisfaction I want since I can't slice myself whenever I want. Now that summer's coming I have to be even more careful but everyone will find out at my birthday or graduation party anyway.

I can't stay happy for long right now anyway. I can be all happy and excited but it's...

39 days. I made it 39 days before I ruined my streak. My goal was two months. But I guess I did better than I have in a while.

The low hit me hard and hit me fast. It started yesterday. I woke up feeling sad just because I exist. The thought of doing work and going through a day and doing what I have to do just makes me want to cry.

Then today it's worse. Second guessing everything and so much anxiety and random stress. Over everything. Sore and just don't know what...

My friends tell me all of these cool stories about the things they do. And even stories that I shouldn't approve of but I wish I could do and get away with anyway. Going to parties, hanging out with friends, hell, even drinking and shoplifting and getting away with both. Buying this and that, getting tattoos/piercings, dying their hair. Getting new cars. Doing all of these good things for the community. Getting some award.

Having some talent. They all sing, dance, do something. Because...

It never does. The stress-free me never stays for long. The stress is always lurking in the shadows.

Christmas was all right. Some fun parts then some parts that I just don't care. It's not that I wasn't happy, it's just there's no fun in Christmas for me anymore. Not when I know what 95% of my gifts are before Christmas because I have to pick them out. Not when it's the same routine. Wake up, open presents, hide in room with cool new stuff for a while and family does their thing,...

Everything is triggering me right now which absolutely sucks. Art class made me want to cut myself so bad yesterday, which art hadn't done that to me in a long time. I wanted to cry and just stopped working for a while until my teacher walked up to me and asked me if I was confused and helped me. I'm so stupid. Can't even do simple art projects right let alone harder ones (and this one wasn't even hard).

My friend got into Wesleyan University. I probably should be happy for her but...

Well, at this very moment I'm calm I guess but I know things are going to set me off. And they're going to set me off hard.

I don't know if it's because I have my period or what the hell this is but.

I didn't cut myself today but I did for two days straight. I mean it's not a horrible cycle but. It's not saying I didn't want to cut today, but things got in the way when I was triggered.

I almost started crying in like every class, had kids tell me to calm...

Meeting with my therapist was today.

Went shitty. As expected. Don't know why I expected it to go any less.

Mom doesn't listen to anything someone says. I tell her my side of things and she just disagrees or brushes it off or puts it all on college. My therapist tells her she is worried that I'll end up dead someday (I agree) and my mom flips shit, screams at her, and leaves.

Yells at me throughout the entire car ride about how they're just thoughts and everyone...