Today has been a very bad day. It started off with me going to see my teacher to ask her some questions about the German Speaking Assessment i had today. While i was speaking to her i had ny first panic attack if the day. I then calmed down a bit before the exam it self. When i walked in to the main sprakimg hall with my teacher we found out that i had been given the wrong set and i had my second panic attack. I them went on to make it through my speaking exam later today but i still see the fact...

It was 9 weeks 4 days since I last SH. 9 weeks 4 days since I last gave in. 9 weeks 4 days of hell that I had to put up with. 9 weeks 4 days that I put up with it. 9 weeks 4 days of work that has gone down the drain. It is 7 hours since I last SH.

I am tired. I am just so tired of it. Waking up every day to argue with my parents, then I go into school and my teachers always seem to have a problem with me and then I go home again and have to deal with my parents. It is just an endless loop and I am fed up with having to deal with it. Nobody seems to get the fact I am trying my best. Nobody will listen to me. I am just tired of it.

For me personally this is the worst time of year. This is because at this time of year you have to be greatful for everything because if you are not greatful you are a horible person who does not deserve anything. But the people that are not thought about are the ones who have had a crap year, the ones who actually don't have anything to be greatful for because they would rather be dead. These are the people who are missed out because nobody thinks about them.

For me today I have...

Life sometimes wins. Today was an example of that for me.

I woke up and it was like any other day and then it started. First it is the panic then the wanting to cry, and then finally the self-harm urges and it has been hard not to give in to them but so far I have. Today was a day that I thought would be fine, I did not do much so why would I go into full meltdown mode. and writing this I still don't know.

But after today I am dreading the Christmas period. I can...

I am fed up of fighting an endless battle. No matter what I do it is not going to get any better then it is right now. I don't want to keep trying anymore. I just want it all to stop.

Lately life has seemed to have won. I have had setback after set back after set back and each time it seems harder to get back up and smile. I now have nobody in my life who will listen and I just want to give in and stop trying.

Why can 2 people in the same family get treated so differently? Let me give you an example, if I pushed into my brother I would be grounded and if he comes up and punches me repeatedly in the shoulders then it is my fault. let me give you another example if I throw a shoe and it accidentally hits him i get a shoe thrown at me by my dad who is standing less than a meter away. if anyone could give me an answer to my question in bold i would appreciate it greatly.

I wish sometimes that I could just shut down and disappear because right no that is all I want to do. I don't want to live anymore. I give up. I don't want to keep on fighting.

I have recently sprained both of my ankles and this means that I cant do sports and I have to just sit and watch. Doing this means I think a lot about my past and that is not helping my recovery. Any ideas on how to avoid this with out to many people seeing you are doing it, i.e nitting would not work because other people can see what I am doing.