I did the thing - Triggering

I can't believe I let it get to that point. To the point where I was sat ready to end it all. I let it all get too far but I am sat here now and I don't regret it. So much of me wants to but I just don't, the only bit I regret is not finishing it, and I know that is not a great mindset to be in but it is just how I am and I wish it wasn't. I am the type of person that is always positive and has always got everything under control. I have talked multiple friends back from that point but I just can't seem to apply the same skills to myself and it sucks. I have a housemate now who is terrified that I am going to do something and won't let me leave the house without informing her where I am going and how long I will be and even then she will probably come with me, but I can't be mad. I would do the same thing but it is so frustrating trying to convince her and everyone else around me that I am ok.... and I think that is hard because I am not. I know deep down that I am not. I catch myself counting what I have been allowed to keep and figure out if I have enough to do harm. The people I talk to keep saying that I am doing a great job and I am sat there trying to please everyone so that I can be discharged and do it for good next time.

I feel like I am living a life where I am constantly fighting for every breath and right now it is just my nose above the water. I don't know if I can fight back from this.