Going Home

I go home on Sunday, an event that I have pushed back as much as I could but couldn't push any further. I haven't been home since the end of October which was not a great trip home and turned from a weekend trip to a two-week trip (quarantine) and so now I am terrified about what is going to happen. With my old therapist, we talked about how moving away could make the relationship better but if anything it is making my anxiety 100% worse about the whole experience. I am not someone who gets scared easily but this is terrifying me.

With the new support that has been put in place for me we have talked about what I have been through and I have been told it is emotional abuse. It has never really been labeled like that and to hear that has made everything a lot more real. There has even been talk about action that could be taken. A step that for so long I have wanted to take but that now seems impossible. I have my escape here at uni but they pay for the rent, I can't escape then and it almost feels like I am now more reliant on them than I was before. There is no way for me to live at uni without their help as I can't afford it, the amount I get from the government is based on what my parents earn and I can't get a job at the moment as my mental health is too all over the place.

Still every day they are in my mind and I am thinking about what I do now and how that will affect me when I go home. For every piece of help, I get I have to think about what the consequence will be. Nothing I do comes without overthinking what would happen if my parents found out, it is looking at the situation and thinking do I need this enough to start thinking about an excuse if my parents found out. It still sucks and I don't know why I thought that when I went to uni it would all get better.

Sorry, it is all over the place, it is just the way my mind is right now.