Today...

Today I had my first meeting with the psychology team at my local hospital, this is a massive step for me. This meeting today brought up more than I thought it would and made points I never thought would be made with my life. She told me that the way my dad treats me is illegal and that I could call the police on him for what he does. She said that some of the things that I am dealing with at the moment are signs of PTSD and there are really treatments out there that I could access. We also talked a lot about my childhood and what I have been through which was so much harder than I thought. I am so open to people about my life but for some reason, talking to her about it was so hard. I was so nervous about this meeting and the bad thing is that it was a hard meeting which is now making me more nervous about what is to come. I now have to wait for a second letter with an appointment time on it which is really stressing me out because what I thought about this appointment has come true. It is so frustrating because so much of me wants this help, wants to get better but it just takes so much out of me every time it is almost like it is not worth it. I don't know, I know it is and it will be and I will look back on this in the future and wonder what the heck I was on about but right now this is difficult, and sometimes I just wish I could let people come close and support me through it but I guess that is what trauma does to me. Every good person that comes near to me I push away out of fear they will turn around and stab me in the back.