Going to tell THE TRUTH in one week............

Why does the first blog entry have to be so unpleasant?

So here I am. A part of me excited. And a part of me mortified. Because in one week, my mom's coming back from her trip and I decided to tell her about a secret I've been hiding for years. The secret is that I've been having fears that hold me back from doing things I love, being with people that I enjoy, and following my dreams. Doesn't seem like a big deal? Yeah, I used to think so too. Until I discovered that it is.

I've thought about this a lot. And by looking back at myself, I was very surprised to realize that my fears are actually running my life. They aren't just passing or vague notions - they're phobias that sometimes manifest in physical ways like acute discomfort, shivering, and even an intense desire to actually RUN AWAY.

A bit about the person I am right now:

I'm afraid of failure. Of even the smallest things like doing my homework because there is a chance that my English paper won't be good enough or that my memorization skills are horrid compared to other people in my class. Which I know is NOT TRUE but the possibility scares me like a monster under the bed scares a small child. It terrifies me.

I'm afraid of people thinking I'm inadequate. Of judging me. Of even noticing me. I hate being singled out.... most of the time. Sometimes, on my braver days I get praised for a project or a good grade, and I stand there proudly with my head held high. But on most days, I make an effort to not exist. And it's hard (if any of you ever tried it), and it HURTS.

I'm afraid of dead ends and wrong decisions. I used to think I was naturally cautious, but this is more than that - it's a fear that has no foundation. I don't take chances. I don't raise my hand in class unless I'm absolutely sure what I'm about to say is right. I used to be glad I'm unique. Now I wish I weren't.

And my biggest fear is - others finding out about my secret. I've held these fears for many years now, all through middle school and high school. I've learned to camouflage them and to pretend like everything's going great. But I'm not fooling MYSELF. I need change. I'm desperate for change RIGHT NOW. And I WILL overcome my biggest fear. I WILL become the person I want to be - the person that's trapped somewhere inside.

***
My mom has always been there for me. She's not perfect, but she loves me fiercely. She'll be the first person I tell. Then I'll tell my dad. It's going to be embarrassing with him, but.... I HAVE to.

Urgh, my head is empty right now. I think I'm in a bit of a shock from the knowledge that I'll have to disclose something that I've put so much effort into hiding for years and years...

But as they say: if you pretend to be someone long enough, you will become that person. And I don't want my imaginary fears to destroy my life before it actually begins.

I'll be keeping a countdown with blog entries until this weekend, when I'm supposed to tell my mom.

I WON'T run away from this. I WON'T.

This reminds me of one time when I tied my ankle to the leg of a chair with a belt to force myself to finish a really scary (at least I thought so) English essay. It worked lol. But I don't want to do that with my mom..... That'd be..... awkward.

Thanks again, Amanda Kate (udontno) for helping me sort out my feelings.

As for the rest of the TH community, I'll keep you informed on how things go. *deep breath*

Later, guys!
-Tiger