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Letter to a dear friend
Posted July 2nd 2010 at 09:28 AM by Sin
Dear pix,
Everything is different here pix since I came home. Nobody really understands why I did what I did. My bro turned around and said.."I dont get this, you fought to get this case to trial since you were a teenager then when you got there you turned around and said fuck it, i dont want to do this anymore. Were you messing with our heads?" That made me sad..and angry. Its so easy for them all to say that, im the one that has to be cross examined on my life. Im the one that has to defend herself in a court full of people, even though I did nothing wrong. Im the one that has to sit there and listen to a barrister tell me i made it all up because im crazy. I wish they could see how hard it was. And that i didnt just walk in and say fuck it I wanna go home. My mum hasnt even talked to me. Ive txted and rang and she wont answer. Now im the guilty one. People that no me now avoid me in the street because they dont no what to say about it. Most of my friends pretend that nothing happened so we ignore it, those that do make the effort treat me like a china doll thats about to break. I just need one person to turn to me and say...I understand why u done it, and it was ok to walk away. That one person was always you. You would have understood right?
I could really use a hug right now. Im at a loss, my life revolved around this case for so long. Now its over what do i do? I wish I could have one more conversation with you, I no you would make it all clear. Probably by telling me to get up off my lazy ass and stop feeling sorry for myself, and that I now have the chance to move on with my life so i better grab it with both hands. lol. I miss you. Its been 199 days pixie. In some ways it feels like you've been gone a lifetime. But in others it feels like just yesterday you left. Isnt time supposed to make things feel better? Because when i wake every morning i forget for a minute that I wont see you, then it hits me. And it hurts like hell. When does it get easier?
I love you my darling
I failed you, us, everything we worked towards. I just couldnt do it in the end. I felt so alone when i went up even though i had people around me. Clo was amazing, you would have been proud. But it should have been you holding my hand..didnt you always promise that you would? It was scary, nothing like before. Im WEAK. I needed you.
I fudged up big time in dublin and let myself get taken to hospital. Now physc is on my back every minute. She wants me to go into hosp for a little bit to stabalise my mood..not going to happen. Its never a 'liitle bit'. Im trying to come to a compromise with her but she never listens to me. I agreed to go back on my meds
but she doesnt think thats enough. Blah.
I fudged up big time in dublin and let myself get taken to hospital. Now physc is on my back every minute. She wants me to go into hosp for a little bit to stabalise my mood..not going to happen. Its never a 'liitle bit'. Im trying to come to a compromise with her but she never listens to me. I agreed to go back on my meds
but she doesnt think thats enough. Blah.Everything is different here pix since I came home. Nobody really understands why I did what I did. My bro turned around and said.."I dont get this, you fought to get this case to trial since you were a teenager then when you got there you turned around and said fuck it, i dont want to do this anymore. Were you messing with our heads?" That made me sad..and angry. Its so easy for them all to say that, im the one that has to be cross examined on my life. Im the one that has to defend herself in a court full of people, even though I did nothing wrong. Im the one that has to sit there and listen to a barrister tell me i made it all up because im crazy. I wish they could see how hard it was. And that i didnt just walk in and say fuck it I wanna go home. My mum hasnt even talked to me. Ive txted and rang and she wont answer. Now im the guilty one. People that no me now avoid me in the street because they dont no what to say about it. Most of my friends pretend that nothing happened so we ignore it, those that do make the effort treat me like a china doll thats about to break. I just need one person to turn to me and say...I understand why u done it, and it was ok to walk away. That one person was always you. You would have understood right?
I could really use a hug right now. Im at a loss, my life revolved around this case for so long. Now its over what do i do? I wish I could have one more conversation with you, I no you would make it all clear. Probably by telling me to get up off my lazy ass and stop feeling sorry for myself, and that I now have the chance to move on with my life so i better grab it with both hands. lol. I miss you. Its been 199 days pixie. In some ways it feels like you've been gone a lifetime. But in others it feels like just yesterday you left. Isnt time supposed to make things feel better? Because when i wake every morning i forget for a minute that I wont see you, then it hits me. And it hurts like hell. When does it get easier?
I love you my darling
Sinead X
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