Last night i just lay there, my head was spinning; screaming at myself inside my head. 'Come on Charlotte, you don't need to do this, ODing and cutting is not the only opition...your being stupid...fight it...fight it...you can do it' I tried so hard, i really did, but then there is always the other side of me, telling me to do it, things are too bad at the moment, i can't handle it anymore, no one would care....stop being pathetic...
Like I was arguing with my emotions, i can't fight the...

I don't know how much more i can take, i spoke to my coach who now thinks i'm crazy. She said i can't compete until i sort myself out, that is the problem, i can't! My training was something to focus on, a break from reality, but she has taken that away.

My drinking..cutting... Overdosing, it has taken control of me, i feel as though it is the only thing left. It feels like there is nothing left to fight for, and hopefully therefore nothing left to lose.

I just sit...

I have got to the point where i am so confused with my feelings i can't take it anymore. I don't know whether the holding on or the attempt to let go of people is hurting more... I don't want to hurt anyone.

I walked into my room this morning and looked at the vodka bottles and the knife on the floor and it hit me; what am i doing to myself, my holding on is making it worse, i need to do something about this...
Yet it is too hard, it seems like the easiest way out is to not be...

I'm sorry for being here.. i'm sorry for being in the way.. for messing up your lives ... i will go, because you won't miss me. You won't care, in fact you would hardly notice... it show how much of a good family we are eh!?
I am soo sorry for hurting you friends .. i never meant to... i should go before it causes more pain... me and my messed up head, as they call it... because according to them i am useless and have no reason for this.

I guess that's it then.. it can't be them,...

You know those days... the ones that make you want to end it all there and then...the ones where everything that happens feels ten times worse than it actually is. The ones where you want someone just to hug you and tell you it will be okay... someone to just talk to you and listen... your family to care about you and actually want you here....... ,i don't ask them for much just for them to love me......

I hate hurting like this, i hate being like this.... i hate the hospital trips, the lying to family and doctors....i hate myself for it all.

Cutting...ODing....suicide.... that is all the runs through my mind lately...when i can do it....how much i'm hurting at the moment. My head is spinning with the horrible thoughts... last night failed.... but still i want to end it all.

But i'm scared of hurting people...

Does it always hurt this much to talk to people, to tell people how you are feeling... i keep telling myself it will get easier, but i think it would just be much better to keep hiding and pretend everything is fine.
My mom is constantly asking questions and when i am honest with her she explodes and tells me i'm lying or that i have no reason for this.....i can't take it anymore... i have it planned.....
........ Odsing and cutting are the only options now.....

We occasionally have those good things happen..i passed my lifeguarding course which i am soo happy about!
But then bad things happen again, the depression kicks back in, the urges come back... sometimes it makes me wonder if the good things happen just so it hurts more when you come crashing back down to earth. It makes you realise that nothing good or bad lasts forever, but the bad things just keep coming back....

I can't do this anymore..... cut cut cut, pills pills pills..................

Coping? Really what is coping! Different to recovery or being happy?... i can't cope any longer! And if i can't cope that just rules out my chances of happiness anytime soon!
Sure i can distract myself, but only for so long, i can't keep going like this!
My family say i'm crazy, that i have no reason for this....if only they knew!

Maybe i just don't do coping... all i know is that it all hurts too much....

“There is something you must always remember. you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. but the most important thing is, even if we're apart.. i'll always be with you and always care about you.”