On the inside I'm a mess, although I pretend to be so put-together & so sane.
When in reality, I'm just a lost lonely soul.
Waiting for the end to all of the chaos that controls my mind.
I'm nothing now, hollow & filled with pain I cannot erase & memories I'm too scared to face.
My mind wanders as I try to understand everything I cannot change.
The world is so foggy & damp with destruction.
And through my eyes no clarity could be found, for...

I'm falling apart.
I can't take this anymore.
Really.
I've lost J.
We're going to lose our house.
We're going to lose everything.
And I have no way of escaping it.
I have no possible way of leaving and just running away to somewhere new and nice and secure.
I just don't understand why I have to suffer this way.
Why.
What did I do to deserve this?
I don't understand.
I'm tired of crying.
I'm tired of looking at the white...

Let the sun rise before we close our eyes,
Let's feel the poison in our viens & cry out for help,
Sharing warm alcohol on the floor, with bottles & money strung all over
Let the rain come down & wash away the sins.

It's all fun & games, the "high life" they call it,
Wandering around like idiots in the streets, drunk & wobbling
Forget education, friends, family
It's all about what you want, and when you want it...

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I have this aching emptiness.

Like rain that just won’t go away.

My emotions are turned off.

The way I used to feel about things is nothing like the way it was before.

Now, I just.. don’t care.

About anything.

I almost have to fake my love for those whom love me.

Because I can’t feel.

I can’t let myself feel anything because if I do, ‘it’ makes it real.

And then...

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So. My health has not improved.
I've been to the doctor's twice.
I've been on 2 rounds of antibiotics.
I've tried natural remedies.
Nothing Works.
I'm just so tired of being sick.
Now I'm gonna have to go to a specialist.
Which we can't afford.
And now, it's 'that' time of the month.
So that's not gonna help anything at all.
This sucks.
My health is depressing me so much.
I'd rather just die.
Life's short...

Okay. So. Rant.

My ex is the most ungrateful person I've ever met.

He's put me through more than anyone knows and he just doesn't care what he does to me or that he says and does things to hurt me.

I've forgiven him for a lot. Recently.
I told him that I wanted to start over and try again and that I loved and missed him.

The next day he texts me and says 'Yeah.. I've been thinking, and I don't think we should.'

I GAVE HIM THE...

I don't like posting things about my own sadness because I'm here to help other people.
But.

I just need to rant a bit.

So. After my ex left me and put me through an extensive amount of pain, I was finally happy. Single, and happy all by myself.
I was happy with myself and I was content with everything. I thought I had healed from the pain my ex put me through and I thought I had moved on.
And I was DEPRESSION FREE for the FIRST time in 5 years. Ugh....