A Thousand Years

I have this aching emptiness.

Like rain that just won’t go away.

My emotions are turned off.

The way I used to feel about things is nothing like the way it was before.

Now, I just.. don’t care.

About anything.

I almost have to fake my love for those whom love me.

Because I can’t feel.

I can’t let myself feel anything because if I do, ‘it’ makes it real.

And then I’d just shut down.

I can’t.

I can’t let anyone in.

I can’t trust anyone.

I can’t allow somoene to come into my life and make me feel something.

I’m like this lifeless, emotionless ‘thing.’

I feel like I’m not alive.

It’s like those moments that put you into complete shock, the moments that are so mind-numbing that you can’t even begin to describe it.

It’s because I’m scared.

I’m afraid.

I’m afraid to let myself feel.

So I shut myself off from feeling.

It’s so easy for me it’s almost scary.

It almost makes me feel good in a really sick sort of way.

I tell people all the time that they shouldn’t let something or someone hurting them to let themselves shy away from letting people in, that it isn’t good, that doing that will only hurt them more, that it’ll ruin them and their sense of reality.

But do I actually take my own advice?

No.

Who really does anyway?

It’s the screwed up people in this world that give the best advice.

Why?

Because they don’t want people to go through what they are.

They don’t want someone else on this earth to go through what they went through and feel the way they do.

And that’s me.

I’m just in a shell.

What’s left of my sanity is somewhere I’m not quite sure of.

And it’s funny.

I see myself going down this dark, long, down-ward spiral.

But do I do anything about it?

No.

How can I?

I can only help others.

Not myself.

Even though I know that statement to not be true, I believe it for now.

I hate that.

I’ve got to this point where I just shut off my emotions.

If there’s nothing to feel, there’s nothing to complain about or worry about.

Life’s easier that way.

‘What makes you feel like this?

What made you get to this point?’

You may ask.

Sad thing is, no one will ever know why.

Even the most open of people have their darkest secrets.

The ones they’ll take to their grave.

The ones that if anyone knew, would destroy everything they’ve worked so hard at trying to keep away from the world and the people around them.

I’m one sad, strange girl.

And that’s all she wrote.
For today at least.