Once again for a while I thought i was doing alright, then i went straight downhill. I was happy and was doing good in school, i made friends. Then I went down, lower than i've been in a while.
I have cut twice in about a month, deeper than i'd gone in a while, and then a couple days ago the suicidal thoughts started again. Last night was my lowest point in almost a year. Every second I thought of something i could do that second to kill myself i thought of things...

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Yesterday I ended having a slightly better day. I did do my dishes, and have a shower, and then I finally tried to contribute to an article - although right now I feel really anxious about that. The waves of stuff were less yesterday. I didn't go to bed until 3:00 AM. I woke up at 6:30 AM. I dozed lightly (mostly awake) until I got up just after 10:00 AM. I gave myself points for acting opposite, and extra points for it sort of working.

I feel like I'm paying for having a good day...

It's Friday. The last time I showered was on Monday, after I went for a swim. I know I need a shower, my hair is all gross and greasy and to be honest, so is the rest of me. But I just . . . cannot be bothered showering. It's not that I don't like showering (I do), it's just that it seems like too much effort. And it's not that I think it wouldn't help me to feel a little bit better (it would), it's just that I don't seem to be able to will myself into the bathroom for anything that is not . . ....

I did see Debbie today, after art group.

On a note completely unrelated to our therapy stuff, there's a cup that's been in the room we usually use for a couple of months. I suggested we use the cup to grow a flower or something, and see how long it takes for somebody else to notice. Debbie said she thought that was a cool idea, so on Monday we're going to plant something in the cup. Obviously we have to bring in potting mix and seeds, but still.

I'm still so low. Debbie...

I've been posting here a lot lately.

Checked my grades maybe a minute ago. 90 in math already. Almost an 89, only reason it's a 90 is it rounded the decimal. 89 in gym already. My science grade isn't updated but I did poorly on my last test so it'll be around a C.

I'll never be able to make my gym grade up. The gym teacher this year just grades too harshly so if anything it's just going to get lower. And science and math are too hard and I don't know what I'm doing...

Well...not really my target, but my friend Ellie has decided that I have to have a girlfriend by the time I'm 16, which gives me exactly 1 year and 1 month from today.

Item #: 5
Name: Le gf
Set: 02/10/13
Achieved: 18/11/13
Timescale: 1 year
Description: Well, thanks...

This would probably be fine, but when I went on my school trip (yay!) just under a week ago, the bus driver even tried setting me up with someone. Even he failed. :P...

Today is exactly 17 months since Naomi and I had one of the most awkward conversations of our lives and finally ended up together.
I don't think she's noticed/remembered which is good. I've texted her dad who has very kindly offered to, as he put it, "bugger off for a couple of hours"

My plan is to make a delicious veggie stir fry this afternoon. I'm also maybe going to make these:

...

This morning as I walked to my homeroom, I was walking in front of a few girls who are also seniors. And they were talking about someone. They didn't say any names, so it basically just left me curious. They were talking about another senior and how they couldn't let her donate blood because she had cuts. A lot of them. All up and down her arms. The way they put it there were a hell of a lot of them.

So I was curious in a way. Wanting to know who it was. I always tend to look at people's...

I feel so good and so bad. I wake up in the morning and I am overwhelmed at the mere thought of leaving my bed. But I have things to do in the morning. So I get up. And it feels so hopeless and so hollow, even though it's not, even though it's leading to something. And the heaviness in my chest won't go, it keeps coming back. It eclipses all.

I saw Debbie yesterday and it was good. I told her about how I've decided to do the Peer Employment Training with the goal of becoming a Peer...