Got back from school :/ I decided to make this blog because its a place to basically to whinge and moan about my life without annoying anyone.

No cigarettes today I can't now, my mum is home. I'm glad to say I'm genuinely not addicted, but just do it occasionally for the release. Its a disgusting habit, I know, but it calms me down. Plus, there are no scars on the outside.

My insecurities are really getting me down. Even half way through a conversation with people...

I'm falling apart.
I can't take this anymore.
Really.
I've lost J.
We're going to lose our house.
We're going to lose everything.
And I have no way of escaping it.
I have no possible way of leaving and just running away to somewhere new and nice and secure.
I just don't understand why I have to suffer this way.
Why.
What did I do to deserve this?
I don't understand.
I'm tired of crying.
I'm tired of looking at the white...

Uni's great don't get me wrong and I've met so many amazing people and have some really close friends but I feel so alone. I don't know how I can feel alone with so many people around me but I do.
I relapsed badly and my hips are quite infected and so painful but I feel so stupid and can't do much about it.

I don't want to be here anymore... :/

I'm riding a motherfucking roller-coaster, not sure if want, no way off . . .

So lemme tell you about my weekend. Because Friday it was . . . well it was fairly awful, and by the end of the day I felt sick as a dog, all nauseated and gross and terrible, so I had some toast and went to bed just after 6 PM. I stayed in bed until 10 AM on Saturday, then I had to get up and get ready for the wedding.

Oh yeah, my body did this awesome trick where is turns out Saturday was...

i feel so worthless right now.. i cut again yesterday and i hate myself so much for that but then i also want to cut again. i have been feeling so shitty the past couple days, and no one but best friend has noticed. my best friend has cut this week as well and i'm worried about her. her mom took away her phone yesterday (i don't know why yet) but i just hope that she won't again or worse. And i'm like 8 hours away from her, i miss her already.
i keep going between thinking that i want to...

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I really don't know how to start this off.... Lately, I've just been feeling down, and shedding tears at least a few times during the past weeks that have gone by. I've come to the realization that high school isn't the right environment for me to be looking for a meaningful relationship. Majority of the people there are just really immature, and I feel like I'm the ONLY one at my school that's a lot more mature for my age. I feel like there's no one for me there. It's hard accepting that...

I just feel so much at once but yet nothing at all. Depressed and heavy and tired and dead and emotionless and anxious and overwhelmed and unmotivated and uncaring but too caring ant the same time and I have too much to do in no time and don't want to do any of it but yet have to do all of it and kind of want to do all of it at the same time. Need a break. Will never get one.

Today has been a relatively good day. It didn't start out so great, I'm still running on a minimal amount of sleep, and then my neighbour started screaming at around half past nine, but it was only screaming and she calmed down pretty quick.

I got an early lunch on the way to see Debbie and posted some mail that is now in transit to England. Then I saw Debbie, and that went well, because we planted the flower seeds (yes, the cup was still there, lmao), and she said she'd been excited...

well i went to homecoming yesterday

I fucking hate homecoming so much.. I started to have a panic attack the second i walked in there, so we went and got soda then went to the back of the event center where the dance was being held. At least i had my friends with me. Then we just sat in the back and talked, mostly about how much we hated the dance, and pointed out who were wearing slutty dresses. Then a bit of time past and we got bored. Then some of my friend (lets call her A) friends...