It never does. The stress-free me never stays for long. The stress is always lurking in the shadows.

Christmas was all right. Some fun parts then some parts that I just don't care. It's not that I wasn't happy, it's just there's no fun in Christmas for me anymore. Not when I know what 95% of my gifts are before Christmas because I have to pick them out. Not when it's the same routine. Wake up, open presents, hide in room with cool new stuff for a while and family does their thing,...

A whole 'nother year of detachment, oh the joys. Normally Christmas made me excited, but this year I almost forgot it was christmas, it just felt like a totally normal day and I acted like nothing was special... I didn't feel happy, I didn't feel sad, I felt nothing. It's painful trying to live with a distorted unreal view of the world, almost killed me once or twice this year. And I don't regret those times I considered/attempted suicide, I still really wish they'd happened, 3 months on...
...

I really want to but I won't. Not on Christmas Day (ignoring about half 12 this morning (well, yesterday morning now actually!) before I went to sleep). Dez wad really helpful with the thread I posted. I'm really grateful, that's about the third one I've wasted get time on, but it's really kind of her though.
Ah well
I'm resisting, g'night!

Or not, as the case may be. Turns out, I was self harming as it hit christmas day. I know people want christmas to be memorable, but not like that.
I have a bone to pick with nature. Why is self harm the easiest on my arms??? I've been trying to stick to only cutting my thighs as no one will ever see them, but cutting my arms is so much easier. Its so annoying as that is where I scar quite easily, and after my face that part of my body that is visible most often. I only wear long sleeved...

I literally cannot stop myself. Every day. Even on Christmas Eve, when I should be happy.
And I'm not sure if I'm developing an ED or not. Because I'm so self concious about my mouth, I never eat in public, skip breakfast whenever I can, and eat less in between meals, so I basically only now only eat dinner. Even then its because my mum is on the room. Every time I look in the mirror I'm filled with self loathing.
So not only am I trying not to self harm half an hour before christmas...

...

Didn't really drink much, plus food, so sobered up pretty fast, but already too triggered
Aaaaahhhhh well

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TeenHelp Newsletter

TeenHelp Newsletter #45 - December 23rd 2013 - http://www.teenhelp.org

Welcome to the TeenHelp Newsletter! Our Newsletter contains a lot of useful information about our current work, including updates to our site and services, work with our partners and affiliates, details of upcoming events, short bits...

I can feel the numbness alcohol brings coursing through my body already. I haven't eaten all day, which only intensifies the effect. Its the closest thing to a sensory deprivation "drug" I have, so I appreciate the existence,seeing as I've never tried any form of illegal recreational drug, but the only problem is it makes self harm a lot easier, and lowers inhibitions.

So! I figured some people (if any) want to see my social life so, http://yeoldehxckoala.tumblr.com/