Today I had my first meeting with the psychology team at my local hospital, this is a massive step for me. This meeting today brought up more than I thought it would and made points I never thought would be made with my life. She told me that the way my dad treats me is illegal and that I could call the police on him for what he does. She said that some of the things that I am dealing with at the moment are signs of PTSD and there are really treatments out there that I could access. We also talked...

I lasted 450 days without any big melt down and then this milestone came along. For the first time ever I ended up in AnE. I was unable to keep myself safe and ended up in hospitle. Now that sucked. I felt like I had failed by going there for help and then I felt like I had wasted their time by being there. Everyone else there was sick I was wasnt... not in my eyes anyway. It ended alright, I did not relapse but I dont know... what has happened i think is in some ways is worse. The docters and now...

Since last time a lot has happened.
Since last time I have been put on medication that works for me and I have been coping since.
Since last time I have gotten in to university.
Since last time I have flown past my target of being one year clean and have kept on flying.
Since last time I have been keeping a mainly positive attitude though I still have my bad time.
Since last time I have been looking forward till when I move out.
Since last time I have...

So after a phone call this morning I have been started on medication. What I thought would be a release has just made me feel worse and I have not even started them yet my first dose is in the morning. I feel like I have let everybody down by not managing this without meds. I haven't even told anyone yet because I don't know where to start.

At this point I just hope they work. I don't know how much more of things not working I can take.

First Bird

As I turned 18 today I decided to contact the doctors about looking into medication to try and help me deal with my emotions, at the moment they have an online system so I completed that and they got back to me straight away. I have a phone call with them in the morning. I will be difficult as I struggle with phone calls but it is what needs to be done.

Second Bird

My dad had a friend around this evening, we are still in lock down and should...

So at the minute counselling for me is on Zoom and I have been moved back to fortnightly sessions instead of monthly sessions. Last week we discussed the fact that my mood has been plummeting a lot over the past year or two and that as I turn 18 on Thursday I should look into medication as she thinks that is the best option. When I heard this I felt so ashamed as I thought I was handling it and to be told I haven't been and that medication might be my only option kinda sucked. Now I am not against...

Last night I was scrolling through tik tok as I was anxious and that normally helps me get my mind off of things. Well it didn't, I came across a video about SH and Suicide and that sent me straight into a panic attack. By a I mean many. I have not had a problem with these triggers for a while and now they come along and send me spiralling. It is just so frustrating. I did not sleep much last night because of this which now means I will have a hard day today and I am more likely to have more panic...

Although life is not great I have had an okay day today, I spent my morning on my own in my garden which was really nice and then this afternoon I got to go and see my friend as we had some food to drop of, that really picked up my spirits. I have youth group tonight on zoom, I don't know if I am going to go or not as they will know straight away that I am not ok and there is nothing they can do to help so I don't really want to talk about it. On the other hand, if I don't go then they will also...

<message banned>

Before you read this be warned that like normal it is a bunch of me complaining and rambling, feel free to skip it and move onto the next post.

This whole situation is just so frustrating. Just two weeks ago I was at school coping with life, yes I was having blips but for once I was speaking up in school when I needed help and I was for the most part able to look at the positives in situations, then in a matter of hours my whole life got flipped upside down school, counselling, youth...