Physio appointment was yesterday. Typically, my physiotherapist's name is Naomi, which is just wonderful because I really want to be reminded of a difficult relationship every time I go. She pronounces it differently though so it should be okay. Just my bad luck.
She got me to take off my top and shoes and poked and prodded me for a while. My nerve tests were fine so it's not a nerve problem like we thought, which means the doctor was right about it being a muscular issue. The muscles in...

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I went back to the doctor on Thursday. She got me to take off my jacket and scarf and felt my neck and shoulders. She tried to pull my shoulders back, which hurt like hell, and then said that the muscles have all completely seized up so she's not surprised I'm in so much pain and struggling to move. It's also no wonder the Diazepam wasn't working. So she's more than doubled the dose, warned me not to drive when taking it, and told me to call the physio team again to let them know I had to go back...

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I can't take any more of this pain. Nothing is touching it, I've tried various painkillers of different strengths, heat pads, moving, keeping still, going for walks. Nothing is making any difference. It's getting worse and spreading. At this point in time I have pain in my neck, back, sides, coccyx (weird, I know), and right foot. Only my right foot. Also random headaches and my right leg hurts because walking normally on my right foot is so freaking painful.
I don't know what this is but...

I emailed Kate this afternoon to tell her I wanted to come back to work. I'm far too anxious being away. If I had food poisoning or a stomach bug or something, I think it'd be easier for me. At least then I wouldn't feel up to leaving the house or doing anything for a while. Because it's just pain and stiffness, I still FEEL capable of doing everything as normal, even if I can't realistically do that. Maybe it's just because of how badly staff were treated if they dared to be off sick in Matalan....

I bought more pills and razors. I haven't used them yet but having them makes me feel better. I know I have an out if I need it.

I finally managed to log on TH with my tablet so now I can watch stuff and answer posts. This is keeping me distracted.

Also I paid my rent and the outstanding customs fee on a delivery. Haven't cleaned the rats yet but I don't feel completely useless.

I feel like I'm in limbo right now.

I'm bored.

I saw my doctor less than an hour ago. I'm really glad I did because the pain is worse today. I can move my neck slightly to either side, but not far. If I try to push it, it feels like there's a physical block in the way, and it hurts a lot. Doctor said he could see how tense I was from trying to control my movements so it doesn't hurt as much. He's decided it's a muscle spasm and given me some Diazepam. I'm also waiting on an appointment from a physiotherapist.
...

I want someone to love me. I want a relationship. I want to be in love with someone who loves me back.

I want to be able to do things again. I don't want to be ill, I hate it. I want to be able to walk properly.

I want to be happy.

But since none of that is possible I guess I want to be dead.