Today is sociopath day
i wanted to throw a guy across a room by his throat earlier for making smart arse comments
and i have friends that are trying to be supportive but just crippling me.I feel smothered by everyone, and just cant breathe,
i just wanna be swallowed up by this black hole inside.

---triggering (suicide/sh)


I'm not sure if it's because of hormones or what, but I completely overreacted last night in a sad manner. My mother was obviously in a lot of pain from taking a shower and was angry when she came down, telling me to take the dog out again (which I did). When I came back she said that my phone was going crazy and she had picked it up and saw that I had a calendar appointment. (Dad was also calling, so that prolly made it seem like it was freaking...

...

Said I wouldn't get involved in TH again, yet here I am.


So, so, so freaking stressed. And sad, mad, depraved.
I'm not depressed though. People try to get the last word in (my wonderful self included) I'm starting to see why I don't need to anymore. EHell finally teaching me something xD

It is just a little over a month until we go on forced holiday break. With everything that happens on the weekends these days, hopefully it wont feel like too long. Original...

We all try so hard to forget things sometimes, we all want to erase some events from our memory, we don’t want to be reminded of anything painful that may have hurt you before...and when we do actually remember, when we are forced to remember ; it hurts. Real bad.
That’s exactly what he did to me. Just by calling, he left me empty and totally ruined the strength that I had felt these past few weeks. He fucking killed me with his stupid phone call. He brought back all the crap I’ve been longing...

(trigerring- SH)

The title really says it all. The past week has been terrible, I've been getting so angry it's become concerning even to me. I don't know what to do with all of this. I can't tell anyone because they'd put something on my record or do something to stop me from going to college. Either from my parent's perspective or the college admission's people. I can't get the help I need without giving up my future!

Somehow this has become my reality and I can't...

Spent some time exploring a new genre of music that's somewhere between techno and industrial and noise. It feels really good, even though the singers scream a lot (but that's more my parents talking than me) which includes bands such as Cyanotic and 16Volt among others. It's actually really calming.

So I had my birthday about a week ago and got a hundred dollars from my uncle. I thought about buying DJ Hero with it, but with the new onslaught of stress and my parents being generally...

I had a dream last night.

In this dream, I had enrolled in some foreign exchange program (or something like it) and I had just met my new host family in England. By the looks of the contents of my suitcase, it seemed as though I was going to be staying there for a decent period of time...at least a couple months.

For some reason, this dream has motivated me, and I now have a new goal.

I want to live in England.

I've never been out of the United...

--warning: language

Not crazy depressed either, don't get me wrong, but just lackluster. Saw my cousin for the first time in years, went over to his house for dinner. Going to anyone's house lately makes me so sad, like I should have my sisters there. It didn't help that my mother couldn't go because of this goddamn urinary track infection (the fucking thing has been around for 6+ months!) that left her completely out of commission all day.

I felt so out of place the...

Second one so far, I really like her to. Doesn't feel like she's talking down to me or patronizing me, just listening and letting me work things out without any judgement. Don't get that too often at home, so it's a big relief.

After I explained more of what my home life is like, she said that she hadn't ever really had a person like me in her office before. Seeing how she's been doing this for 10+ years, that was a bit of a surprise and helps me to realize that I'm not overreacting...