Why did i have to wake up today?
I'm so tired of always fighting, always been strong. I don't know how much longer i can do this for. I don't know how much longer i can pretend that i am ok. I just want this all to stop. I feel so useless and alone. I hate it. I hate myself. I destroy everything. Sometimes i wonder if i even deserve to be alive. I mean wouldn't everyone be better off without me? I just make everything worse. I can't do anything right.
I can't face today. My friend needs...

i cut yesterday,and i cut again today..I really want to stop.I just don't know ..its like sometimes i want to stop other times i don't want to stop at all..i really don't know what to do..yesterday for the first time i cut my wrist.it still hurts..i deserve it still hurting though.i also have been thinking about suicide a lot..i know how i might do it.. i really don't know anything anymore..

I hate this right now. I hate how i have become addicted and can't stop. I went and spent £30 on blades today. It was suprisingly easy. There not even supposed to sell them to me yet they did. I wish they didn't :/ I spent my lunch time slicing up my arm. My friend found out and now i'm petrified she's going to tell someone. She said we have to talk tomorrow and her and my other friend need to talk to me seriously about it. I wish they would stop worrying. I'm not worth it. I'm a pathetic mess....

I think today was actually good. Holy crap. I think I'm in shock.
I had to get up early to go into college for an exam. ON THE FIRST DAY OF THE HOLIDAYS WTF? My brother also had to come with me since I said I'd take him into town after and there was no way I was going to college, going home, picking him up and going back. It's like this:
House----------(25 minutes)-----------College----(10 minutes)----Town
So I just made him get up early and took him with me.
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Today's been hard. Pulled in to serve at church. Stupid mistake that everyone saw. Just wanted to cut. Had to stop myself from saying it out loud.
Work for 5 hours. So slow. Quiet. Spent most of that time sat on a stool staring at the wall.

Got home and dad reheated dinner. He came into the living room not long after I finished and started shouting and yelling at me for not taking my plate through yet. Apparently I knew he was putting the dishwasher on and deliberately didn't

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My nature is something I hate. Something I try to hide. Something only a few people know. My nature is caring. I care about lots of people and animals. I feel compassion. I put others first. I always have. Even in relationships, if I wanna break up, I don't. Because I know it will hurt the other person. And I can't stand the guilt. Though sometimes...sometimes I snap. And I turn selfish and I yell and scream...it scares me what I'm capable of...

I really hate love. I'm in love with my girlfriend. I'm in love with a girl 3 states away. But I can't love myself...

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I have to leave soon to go to the doctor. Get more pills. Yay. Had a dream that I had to go to his funeral again. All I wanted to do was cry. He was there and I was just waiting for him to disappear in full knowledge I'd never see him again.
Arm is a mess. I'm worried about whoever this doctor is asking to see them. I kind of want to ask them to check my height and weigh me so I can know for sure where I am. Just worried I weigh more than I think. Wii told me I lost more today. Made

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