My boyfriend did come over yesterday and I felt happy, amazingly. I won't even start thinking about the 'do I deserve to be happy, though' because if I do I'll feel down today as well.

He brought over a game for me to borrow, the original Just Cause PC game, so I've got something to distract myself with. And he brought me some chocolate.

We had sex and then did some chemistry revision and then watched some of a movie, Pirates of the Caribbean.

We had...

My boo is perfect, I think I might love her, she is on this site, if she reads this...she'll know its about her...Boo...I think I love you....

I'm sorry for being here.. i'm sorry for being in the way.. for messing up your lives ... i will go, because you won't miss me. You won't care, in fact you would hardly notice... it show how much of a good family we are eh!?
I am soo sorry for hurting you friends .. i never meant to... i should go before it causes more pain... me and my messed up head, as they call it... because according to them i am useless and have no reason for this.

I guess that's it then.. it can't be them,...

I'm going to start using this more. Perhaps even everyday. Perhaps more than once a day. Just whenever I want to.

I like writing on here. It's different to anything I've tried before.

I woke up this morning feeling a little better, although not much. Still empty just not completely suicidal.

I'm sick of smiling for my mum, though. I just keep smiling and laughing and inside I'm just shriveling away into nothing.

My boyfriend said he would...

I'm browsing the forum aimlessly, trying to put off going to bed and turning off the light because that'll be when the emotions hit. I feel numb right now, and numb is how I'd like to stay.

Things seem to affect me so easily and I don't know why. Some stupid thing on a forum and I'm distraught. An invite out turns into a massive row. A shopping trip and everyone's in tears.

I'm useless. And I'm horrible. And I don't deserve to live.

You know those days... the ones that make you want to end it all there and then...the ones where everything that happens feels ten times worse than it actually is. The ones where you want someone just to hug you and tell you it will be okay... someone to just talk to you and listen... your family to care about you and actually want you here....... ,i don't ask them for much just for them to love me......

Ever felt ignored? Like you're screaming at the top of your lungs yet still noone can hear you... Or they can and just choose to ignore you. That's How I am feeling right now. No matter if I am alone or with people I still feel so alone. I used to feel better been around people. Now I just feel worse. I feel like a fake. A stupid good for nothing useless fake. Pretending to be happy. Faking a smile. Pretending to be something I am not just to please them. I want to protect everyone from me. Everything...

I hate hurting like this, i hate being like this.... i hate the hospital trips, the lying to family and doctors....i hate myself for it all.

Cutting...ODing....suicide.... that is all the runs through my mind lately...when i can do it....how much i'm hurting at the moment. My head is spinning with the horrible thoughts... last night failed.... but still i want to end it all.

But i'm scared of hurting people...

the sun is very nice and veryy hot!
i've been out in it all afternoon, on a sunbed, sunbathing

even if i stay out all afternoonj and nearly turn to a puddle, i still don't get a small tan, which is really all i wanted from the sun.
who else does this happen to !?!

Does it always hurt this much to talk to people, to tell people how you are feeling... i keep telling myself it will get easier, but i think it would just be much better to keep hiding and pretend everything is fine.
My mom is constantly asking questions and when i am honest with her she explodes and tells me i'm lying or that i have no reason for this.....i can't take it anymore... i have it planned.....
........ Odsing and cutting are the only options now.....