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I don't know how much more i can take, i spoke to my coach who now thinks i'm crazy. She said i can't compete until i sort myself out, that is the problem, i can't! My training was something to focus on, a break from reality, but she has taken that away.

My drinking..cutting... Overdosing, it has taken control of me, i feel as though it is the only thing left. It feels like there is nothing left to fight for, and hopefully therefore nothing left to lose.

I just sit...

Today is already messed up. I've eaten too much already and it's only 08:15 AM. Which means that I probably won't eat anything else all day. My plans are all messed up because it's a bank holiday so the swimming pool is shut. My boyfriend left his bus pass at mine so if we're going to meet up then I'll need to go to his by myself.

I want to just stay at home all day on my own now. I don't even want to leave the house.

I don't know what to do. If I stay, I doubt I'll...

My mum's gone away for a bit so I don't have to deal with any of her crap. My sisters have gone too. My dad is lovely and he'll pretty much leave me alone over the next few days, so I'm happy with that.

We sat down and watched Louis this evening. I swear we're both addicted to that show. It's nice that we have something in common. He lives in the same house as me and yet I rarely spend time with him.

The trip out this morning was alright. I mean, it could have been...

I have got to the point where i am so confused with my feelings i can't take it anymore. I don't know whether the holding on or the attempt to let go of people is hurting more... I don't want to hurt anyone.

I walked into my room this morning and looked at the vodka bottles and the knife on the floor and it hit me; what am i doing to myself, my holding on is making it worse, i need to do something about this...
Yet it is too hard, it seems like the easiest way out is to not be...

I feel useless. Empty again. I'm ready to go out, I look decent, now I'm just waiting.

I don't know what I'm going to say. But I'm scared that if I don't say much his family will think I'm rude. I just feel lost.

I think they're here.

Well, everyone's been happy this morning, which has helped cheer my mood up. And I have two easter eggs. I'm going out with my boyfriend and his family this morning, which I'm a little scared about. I mean, I've met them before, but I'm terrified I'm gonna mess up. This is the guy I want to spend my life with; I have to get on with his family. Then I'm gonna do some work and then go to the evening church service.

And then my mum will have gone away for a bit so I won't need to face...

Given up on my goals. Like I said, I suck with them. I've kind of tidied my room, but there's still a lot left to do. And I did one mind map, but I didn't do the history or my story.

There's so much stuff to do and I just can't find the energy to do it.

My mother is convinced that I am purposefully being unhealthy so that I don't learn anything during revision so that I fail my exams so that I can say to her that I tried hard but I must just be stupid.

...

i told someone.i told them about my depression and my cutting.i was so scared,but i did .she promised not to tell my parents.but she convinced me to tell my dad. i might not though.i have a feeling he will get mad. i am going to go talk to the counselor at my school first.

when i woke up this morning i was very suicidal.i still am.i promised someone i would be alive til monday. but after that i will . unless someone convinces me that there's a reason to live .which i bet they...

I'm going to start a list of goals. Long term and short term. If I remember then I'll post the list as part of every blog entry.

I'll tick them off as I go, and add more, so I've always got something to work towards.

Right, here goes.

Short term goals

Tidy my room
Make mind maps for the whole of the Roaring Twenties
Make mind maps for the whole of Energy Calculations
Type up chapter one of The Moment of Truth
...