I failed and I cut last night.

I tried so hard not to but I felt like I was trying to force myself out of my body and I just had to cut. And then I gave in and I did.

There was something so relieving, so satisfying, about dragging the razor across my wrist. Seeing the blood well up, so much blood, and then cascade down my arm, over my skin.

I haven't cleaned it yet. I probably should.

My boyfriend is trying to get me to tell my mum. He...

Supposed to be going to placement today. Actually just going for a walk till everyone's left and coming back home. Can't handle it today. Will go back next wednesday.
So tired. So fucked up. Was dreaming about cutting. About people being able to see me. I was in my old house (why do I keep dreaming about that?) and it was dark outside. I'm a little obsessive about not having gaps in the blinds when it's dark out because I panic about seeing something. In the dream, every time I fixed

...

I'm going to get my work done tonight. And then I'm going to do the writing I promised some people I'd do. And then I'm going to make some mind maps. And then I'm going to read a book so that I can cut down the pile beside my bed. And I'm just going to keep going. On and on. It never stops. There's always something else to do and I just want to sleep.

So i have got another doctors appointment tomorrow. I think i will open a bit more and honestly say how much i have been struggling. It won't be easy but i know it will help and after some persuasion from numerous people (you know who you are :] and thanks for helping me) I have decided that i should say something tomorrow.

I am terrified as i have never opened up before and am freaking out but i supposeits best. Just hope i don't back out last minute.

So I posted this on my Tumblr blog yesterday. (Here if anyone's interested)
I wanted to share it here because people who have seen it seem to think it's pretty positive. Which I guess it is. But we'll see.

Today, for a short while, I honestly believed that I was going to lose the one person I love more than anything. It scared all Hell out of me and I’ve never felt so broken than...

I didn't get to go swimming and now I feel really pissed off. Even though I didn't want to. I just want to get out of the house. And now I'm on my own again and I feel like shit. I'm not doing anything constructive and I have a headache. I feel like shit.

I'm going swimming today. I don't really want to but I promised my boyfriend I would.

I have a headache.

I had a rough night. I didn't sleep well. Didn't help that I didn't want to turn out the light.

I just want to curl up and stop existing.

sorry but i cut once again yesterday. i cut deeper than i ever have.i feel really guilty.but the thing is that i want to cut again.i might.i probably will.

can't i just cut so deep that i die.i wish.or do something that could kill me.i might kill myself soon.

When I'm on my own I just lose myself.

Today was fine, after I finally managed to get myself out of the house, but now that I'm home again and sat on my own, I don't know what to do. I've read through all my e-mails, I've browsed the forum, I've joined in the game threads, I've offered some advice, I've played a couple of online games, I've sat on facebook, I've answered some formspring questions. I don't want to stop because I feel empty again, like I always do when I'm alone, but...

...