I hate the hospitals, i hate the pain, the shouting, the lying and answering questions...They don't listen to me anyway, i feel so trapped and useless...like i can't move with in my own life...
People always find a way to stop me and i feel patheic for letting that happen. It all hurts too much....

Cut, cut, cut, pills, pills, pills

Have placement today. Tired. Just spent the last ten minutes picking drops of dried blood off my arm. Cut 'DIE' into it last night. Still hurts. I hurt. Don't want to deal with this. So many nightmares. Keep dreaming that someone wants to get me. First time it was Voldemort, second time it was some bloke called Fred who had a sister called Stacey. Except he was black and his sister was white. Might sound funny but in both dreams these people wanted me dead. They were hunting me

...

Perhaps I'll do something to my face. Cut or scratch it. It's so damn ugly.
Scar it for good so everyone can see how much I hate it.
I'm all talk. Perhaps I should actually do all this.
Cut myself as much as I want to so people can see how I feel.
Kill myself because I'm sick of this whole world.
I don't know.
I hate myself.

Stupid school health centre wasn't open.
Stupid day was shit.
Stupid stupid stupid.
I want to cut.
I can't.
Buut I want to.
I was happy earlier. After school, when my boyfriend walked me home and looked after me.
But he's gone now.
You know when you feel so empty and so worthless, you're not even sad. You don't feel sad or unhappy, you don't cry, you're not even angry. You're just numb.
That's me.
I'm trying to distract myself....

I managed to get up eventually. And I'm dressed. I might eat a rice cake. Nothing more or I'll feel sick.

I don't want to face people again.

Just let me stay on my own.

I might go have a bath. With some bubbles. The crappy ones which don't work very well but don't make me itch.

Then I'll go to bed. I don't care that it's early.I just want to be out of it. And the easiest way to acheive that is to sleep.

Why can't I just sleep forever? Why do I have to wake up?

I don't know how I'm going to get up in the morning.

I'd say I feel numb, but I also feel scared. That's the main feeling now. I'm scared. I'm scared...

I've finished the chapter for Hannah. I don't think I can do anything else today. Seriously, feel completely worn out.

I've done my best at helping people on the forum today. I've replied to a load of posts.

I want someone to help me. But not just in words. Not just talking. I need someone to physically be here.

But they're not.

I'm getting a headache.

I think I'll go sit on the bed. At least then I can pretend that I'm revising....

I am such an idiot.. I spent most of the day throwing up and lying around doing nothing due to dizziness and aching. Why did i have to be so stupid, it didn't even work, all it has done is mess with my insides. I should have gone through with it on Friday, let alone yesterday.
I am so pathetic, just too scared to actually do it. My parents have noticed, but ignored it, like they didn't care. I need their help, i can't do this anymore....
I might as well just go and sit in the corner,...

I'm going to get some writing done today. I don't care how much effort it takes. I'm going to type that chapter up for Hannah because I promised her it two weeks ago. And then I'll see if I can't get some more stuff typed and posted.

I've just got to keep doing things. If I keep doing things then I won't feel so alone. But it's so hard to keep doing things. I don't feel sad, I just feel nothing. I'm empty.

I guess I'm lucky that my family is quite strict in certain...

I want to sleep. So I'm finally getting to. I hope I get a good night tonight.

I haven't cut today, although I've wanted to.

I've done my history. That's an achievement.

I feel numb.