...

I've been so fat today, tomorrow I can't eat! Not until tea! And that's a promise! I ate cereal, a flapjack, 2 packets of jelly tots, a milkybar, crisps and a bunch of choclate! I've still got tea to come!!!!!!!! I'll have eaten more than 1800 in food alone! I shouldn't be eating that much, I'm lazy, small and it's not healthy! I can't wait for uni, I'm just not going to have food around, eliminate temptation! I swear if I keep this up I'm going to be obese soon... take after my nan... I can't do...

My arm really aches. But every time I feel it aching it triggers me. I want to hit it against something, make it hurt more. Hell, I want to break it. Break it up into tiny little pieces. I want to hurt because I hurt other people.

J asked me to try not to hurt him again. But I need to hurt someone. I only hurt him because he stops me from hurting myself.

So I guess it's back to hurting myself.

I've started looking at pictures of thin people. Searching for diet tips. It's not good. I know it's wrong. I know I'm already at risk of an eating disorder. I've always had an unhealthy relationship with food, ever since I was little.

But there's part of me, well, most of me, that just thinks shush. Stop thinking of the bad things. If you get thin you'll be prettier. If you get thin you'll feel better. If you get thin you won't feel so bad.

It's so tempting.
...

I'm mood swinging horribly.

I was mainly angry today.

I bust up my wrist wacking it off a wall. I think it's ok, but it ached like hell for a bit. I can move my fingers and the pain has calmed down so I think it's ok now.

I also beat up J.

I scare him.

I scare myself.

Something my boyfriend said to me earlier; “Anyone can give up, it's such and easy thing to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength.”
And i know i should listen and that he is right, but yet i am falling apart, i have broken and i don't know what to do anymore.

I ODed again, I failed..AGAIN! I am so weak, i keep stopping myself and i am so confused with my feelings... i know i should get help, but everything is...

...

I want everything to stop.

I want to give up.

I want to die.

It's time to change Emma, you have been selfish.....No you ARE selfish. I am sick of you moaning. I am sick of you been alive right now. You said to much the other day. You said way to much. From now on whenever anyone asks you say "I AM OK" It's a lie. But you are a lier. You never ever ever let anyone know how bad things are right now.

You are a selfish, useless, fat, ugly, worthless, lying, stupid, weak waste of space, You are horrible and you deserve to die Emma....You...

Well no, not really. My boyfriend has come up with a number of suggestions as to what's wrong with me.

He has suggested bipolar disorder, my mother, stress and brain damage.

At least he made me laugh. After my melt down outside the school gates.