I just want to scream. Really, really loudly.

I feel ill, I have a history practice question due in for tomorrow that I haven't done and my first exam is on Monday. I have to help make breakfast for the younger kids at church on Sunday.

I have a horrible urge to break a bone. Maybe my wrist. Or get run over. I could easily get run over on the way to school. No one would know it was on purpose.

I want to feel safe. I want to be somewhere where I don't...

I've not been forgotten. Pete came to find me today. I have an appointment on Tuesday. I was wondering if I should write something down before going in. J wants me to tell him about being violent.

I don't want to. I don't know him well enough. But I don't want to let J down, seeing as it was him who was getting hurt.

I don't know what to do.

...

I've been so fat today, tomorrow I can't eat! Not until tea! And that's a promise! I ate cereal, a flapjack, 2 packets of jelly tots, a milkybar, crisps and a bunch of choclate! I've still got tea to come!!!!!!!! I'll have eaten more than 1800 in food alone! I shouldn't be eating that much, I'm lazy, small and it's not healthy! I can't wait for uni, I'm just not going to have food around, eliminate temptation! I swear if I keep this up I'm going to be obese soon... take after my nan... I can't do...

My arm really aches. But every time I feel it aching it triggers me. I want to hit it against something, make it hurt more. Hell, I want to break it. Break it up into tiny little pieces. I want to hurt because I hurt other people.

J asked me to try not to hurt him again. But I need to hurt someone. I only hurt him because he stops me from hurting myself.

So I guess it's back to hurting myself.

I've started looking at pictures of thin people. Searching for diet tips. It's not good. I know it's wrong. I know I'm already at risk of an eating disorder. I've always had an unhealthy relationship with food, ever since I was little.

But there's part of me, well, most of me, that just thinks shush. Stop thinking of the bad things. If you get thin you'll be prettier. If you get thin you'll feel better. If you get thin you won't feel so bad.

It's so tempting.
...

I'm mood swinging horribly.

I was mainly angry today.

I bust up my wrist wacking it off a wall. I think it's ok, but it ached like hell for a bit. I can move my fingers and the pain has calmed down so I think it's ok now.

I also beat up J.

I scare him.

I scare myself.

Something my boyfriend said to me earlier; “Anyone can give up, it's such and easy thing to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength.”
And i know i should listen and that he is right, but yet i am falling apart, i have broken and i don't know what to do anymore.

I ODed again, I failed..AGAIN! I am so weak, i keep stopping myself and i am so confused with my feelings... i know i should get help, but everything is...

...

I want everything to stop.

I want to give up.

I want to die.