I've lost weight. But I've lost it quicker than my dad saif it was possible. But I don't care. I feel lighter.

I'm still over weight, but I'm getting there. I am. I will be happier.

I'm surrounded by people but yet i feel so alone!
Like no one actually cares about me, i feel like i should just leave because there is no one here to care about me. My boyfriend keeps saying i have him, but he is depressed and i don't want to bring him down more.
I really don't know what to do because i hate this lonely feeling. I want it to go!

Not having access to the internet has given me a lot to think about. I can't just distract myself with random things to read and learn about and watch.
It's made me think a lot about a girl I used to be friends with. She used to get angry with me for the smallest things, but she never told me. She just froze me out. She once stopped talking to me altogether for two weeks without telling me why. Every single time we had an argument I went crawling back, crying and apologising and coming up...

I'm so confused right now. I don't know what to think anymore. I just feel empty and numb. It's like i'm running constantly in circle, i'm going nowhere, yet every lap gets harder and more tiring than the last. The pressure to give up is greater. I get used to the pain aswell so with each lap of the circle I cut more and more deeper and deeper. But like any game or race there has to be an end. I fear mines coming soon. I can't take this anymore. I want it to end. I don't want to hurt anyone but...

I don't see the point anymore in trying. I just fail. I am a dissapointment, a let down, a failure. Whatever i do i end up destroying. I am a wrecking machine. A horrible fat, stupid good for nothing wrecking machine. I went 3 whole days without cutting, didn't think it was possible but then as per usual i wreck that. I gave in. I am weak pathetic. I am horrible. I am a bitch. I am fat. I am ugly. I HATE YOU EMMA!!!I make everything worse for everyone. I fail at everything i do so why try? I am...

so after like a month of quitting ive cut 2 days in a row... everything is triggering me, my biology lesson made me break down... I had to escape to the toilets... My cuts are getting much much deeper than before, if i cut any deeper I would be into a vein... i even dream of cutting and of blood and death... i cant stop, everytime i see a car i want to jump infront of it and let everything come to a peaceful end... i never thought it would get this bad, my grades are slipping, ive stopped talking...

I talked to Pete today.

We just chatted.

Didn't help I was in a good mood. He probably wonders why I went to him in the first place.

My mood is dropping, but I think that's because I'm hungry. I've not eaten much today.

I want my tea, but I'm scared. Scared because I'll be fine if I eat a little, but if I eat loads, which I might because my dad's cooking my favourite meal, then I'll put weight on.

...

Today was a tough day. I really don't want to be the blogger who just blogs about what happened each and every day of their life, but today I just needed to vent.

Well, I guess my day started to head south during my first class of the day. My friend, L, I'll call her was talking to me. Complaining, I should say, about her life. She said that she wants a new car, but her dad won't buy her one. Sounds harmless, huh. Her car is only 3 years old......and it's a Camero!!! Really?! My car...

I'm staying away from advice here right now. I'll still blog, I guess.

It's just so triggering. It makes me want to cut and starve and kill myself.

But I like to help people, so I come on anyway.

I've been happier lately, but it's weird. Thinspo is keeping me happy. Eating barely anything is keeping me happy. I'm desperately trying to lose weight so I'm happier.

But what if I fail? What if I gain?

First session with Pete...