1. Love

I have no idea what the thing above is.... ok...
Soo, I can finally listen to sad songs withouth getting sad I learned from my only friend not to take things or anyone for granted. And I am not going to antmote. I will look back on the memories someday, not today, but someday. And when that day comes I am going to have someone beside me, anybody. Theyll be there watching and listening. That will be the day Ill smile huge, but it will be the day you realize you took me for...

I never know whether to start with the good or the bad, but I gues for this I should start with the bad, afterall, the bad came first!


I carved hate into my stomach last night, not deep, but enough to break the skin and it'll scar for about 8 months... I mean I needed to and it helped and today I've had one of the best days of my life... Just thinking about it makes my legs go to jelly and my heart beats faster...


I had ICT first this morning, we have...

I'm at the hospital right now. Long story.
Anyways I feel bipolar or something because just as everything starts to get better, It comes crashing down. My foster parents are really worried, they don't know what to do with me. They pity me, I don't need them to pity me. I need them to leave me alone while I "settle".
And apparently the only way I can get past my "inner demons" towards my father is to confront him. Says my therapist.
No. Way.

...

I thought admitting everything would make it all better, but it hasn't, it made it all worse! I can't talk about it... it makes me feel stupid and weak and pathetic! But yes... I'm unfixable, and I'm not even sure I want to fix anymore!

So I've pretty much decided that at the end of this month I'm moving to California. Life is too short to be tied down at 18 and shut yourself out from experiencing the world. I'm tired of this small town with all the same people and everyone knowing every time anyone moves a muscle. I want to live with no regrets and be free. I've always wanted to live in California, Ramon is just a plus. Am I crazy to just wanna pick up and leave my life here ? When I think about leaving, it's kinda like my "happy...

I was told I should post this so here goes nothing. My fears:
-Clowns
-Spiders
-Heights
-Balloons
-Surgery
-Doctors
-Strangers
-Parties
-Old Men
-Public Washrooms
-Dogs
Those are my main fears. Theres more, They are all true:\

I was to a psychiatrist today. He told me he thinks I have an anxiety disorder and trust issues.
My foster parents are worried because I won't talk to them. They just don't understand, I don't want them to worry, to touch me, I just want to go home. My foster father told me I was too old to be playing "hide and seek". I will admit, I did hide. Not from them in particular, just everything I guess.
They schedualed daily Therapy sessions for me, I started cutting again. My therapist...

I feel so odd, I don't even know what to say here. I'm blogging for the sake of blogging so I don't have to do anything else. Because I don't know how I feel.
Well, I know I have a head ache. And it hurts. And I know I feel hungry. But I'm not eating. And I know that I feel lonely, but I have the means to contact people and I just can't be bothered.
I don't know what to do with myself right now.

I had to go home today to get something, my brother was supposed to be out but he wasn't. When I got there he was drunk. He grabbed me and threw me against a wall telling me I'm better off dead. After some other things I won't go into detail about happended I finally called the cops. I'm in protective custody at the moment as my mom is "unfit".
Now I wait... :\