My phone decided to break last night. I've spent the past 3 hours or so trying to fix it.
I was up till 3am last night trying to make it work. I'm currently using my sim card in my brother's old phone so I can at least have contact with the outside world since I'm usually texting 24/7 anyway. I'm trying to unlock my old phone so it'll take my current simcard. (why do Vodafone have to be so bitchy and refuse to let my lovely, unlimited texts-filled, Orange sim work in the phone?!)
I...

Ugh.
So tired.
And my head is killing.
J is coming over soon.
At least I hope he is.
He should already be here.
Where is he?

Alright, I'm going to the "special" home tomorrow. I am litteraly bawling my eyes out, How am I supposed to say goodbye to Jamie, That kid is my brother. I can't just leave him.
And I am so fucking tired of people telling me that their there for me and when I need them their no where to be found.
Its not worth it anymore.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZpUYjpKg9KY&ob=av2e

Freaking out now. Don't want wednesday. Really can't handle it. So scared. Don't think i can go anymore. Won't admit the truth anyway. Don't want to talk about stupid suicide attempts, selfharm, overdosing, urges, thoughts, starvation, purging, the past. Maybe i should just cancel. Don't want to do this on my own but i don't want anyone knowing.
Just let me go?

Feel awful right now. Falling apart and i don't know how much longer i can keep it together anymore. I'm so tired of fighting this. Just think it would be better if i was to dissapear.

My mum wants to talk to me. I'm scared. I don't know what to say. But I want help. I really want help.

But I've eaten something. I've been good today. I'd eaten too little so I decided to raise my calorie goal and eat a snack. So perhaps I can stop falling into an ED by myself? I hope so, because it had been getting worse.

Yeah i'm just going to smile, pretend it's all okay. I'm going to say i'm fine but I really just want you to notice i'm not okay. To hug me and tell me it's all going to be fine, to not hurt me anymore for everything I do... when you tell me you love me and won't ever hurt me I want you to mean it forever, not just until the next time you get drunk and I upset you.
I don't want you to hit me anymore and call me stupid when I cry... I want you to hold my hand and kiss my forehead and say you'll...

I feel sick and shaky.

The pills are still there. Most of them, anyway.

I don't know what to do with myself.

Exercise until I collapse.

I should eat more.

But I don't want to.

I'm hungry. But I'm fighting it. Why am I fighting it?

Why does it feel like life is my enemy, like I'm my enemy?

Why does it feel like it's not worth it?

Why do I just want it to be over?...

I've taken four. I have ten left. What now? Do I have the guts?