i came for support, i cut and have for almost a year and i want to stop. please help?

What a awful day, crappy day at school, get shouted at for no reason, getting nasty thing said to be by a random user >_<
Plus no one tells me anything, and it's things i probably should have been told...

Just as i thought things were getting better >_<

Got on leave.

Finished my English homework.

Feel a little bit more in control.

I'm going to kick this shit. I'm going to fix stuff.

First I'm going to relax.

Then I'm going to start working through the ED recovery book I got from the library.

I'm going to get better BEFORE I get worse.

I'm going to fix all of this.

Because it nearly tore my relationship apart today.

I'm getting that urge to overdose. To just take stuff and not care about the consequences. I wish I had something for sleep. I have cocodamol. I don't think I want to die. But I want all this to stop. How many do I take? I only have two in my room. That's the required dosage, not an overdose. Paracetemol? Why doesn't any one in my family take anything worth overdosing on? I want this to stop. But I don't think I want to die. Not today. I did yesterday. I'm not so sure now. I don't know what to do....

Ugh.

What do I do?

I'm scared.

But I don't want to stop doing this. I want to starve.

I don't know why.

But I want to stop.

It hurts when I try to stop.

But I can't get help until I'm under weight.

Keep going, Hester. Go so far they can't help you any more. Keep going.

We were looking at different skies;
worlds apart, yet inches away.
We were close;
yet nowhere near,
you saw the dark,
i saw tomorow
Where are we now?
Nobody knows,
Nobody cares,
I don't care,
I walk alone.

He waited 5 hours.
I bet more, because he didnt get home untill 10pm and he was there at 2.
I feel so guilty
I know he said it was okay because my friend stood me up, her boyfriend kicked out of her house and I punched a wall, and got injured...
But He was there for 5 hours!!!!
I screwed up big time, I almost lost him...
He cried a bit, and consumed enough choclate for a moose to die from. That's what his post said..
I don't deserve him, do...

Emm .... not 2 sure what i should write.. 2day i guess im happy. At my dad's although i have no friends here and it brings back horrible memories here of mum and dad getting a divorce the first time i cut... When my so-called best friends threatens to beat me up and when my Ex told the whole School i was an emo.

But im Happy now i guess i live with my mum and her boyfriend ( who i cnat stand but am trying)
I moved School and am happy even though nobody there know's that i used...

I can't take it.
Just stop it now.
The constant questions..
"Why do you have a bruise on your knuckle?"
"Where did that scar come from?"
"Why do you cut?"
"What makes you happy?"
"Who makes you happy?"

Just stop. Everone just stop. I want to you to care..but it doesn't really matter.. It's not like I'll ever be happy.

Do I even remember being truly happy?
Yes....

I'm late.
I was already supposed to be there.
He's there.
He probably think I stood him him up.
He won't wait. He'll leave and never talk to me again.


I'm so worried
For a while now I have been talking to this guy named Alex. He's amazing and be thinks I'm amazing too.
I was going to meet him for the first time today, a double date with him and me and my friend Micah and her boyfriend.
But Micah's running late. And I'll...