I don't have a happy past.
Most the memories are full of tears and pain.
All you see me do is cry over them.
Everyone says to get over it.
It's the past. It should stay there.
Shouldn't it?
My past doesn't stay there. It isn't done with.
It is my future. It is my present.
I'll never get over the memories.
I didn't have a true father.
I still don't.
That's why I look for love in a boy.
Which is stupid I know.
So, I stopped...

I fell in love.
With this kid.
Bryan.
One year, fell in love.
Second year, head over heals.
Third year, went senseless, lost track.
Fourth year, lost the love.
I was messed up. But I caught myself before I went to far down.
Found Alan.
Amazing friend.
Fell hard.
Really hard.
Way past head over heals.
It hurts so much. I really love him.
He will never know.
No one will.
Because it isn't real.
...

I don't know what's going on with me lately, I've just been on what was supposed to be an amazing holiday but instead i couldn't wait to get home.
My family were horrible to me all the time, shouting at me constantly for everything and hurting me.

I want to cut badly and make up for those weeks that i couldn't, i want to OD and end all the pain. I want to just stop being pathetic and stop feeling so worthless...

"She paints a pretty picture but this picture has a twist you see.. her paintbrush is a razor and her canvas is her wrist

she paints her pretty picture in a color thats blood red while using her sharp paintbrush she ends up finally dead

her pretty pictures fading quite slowly on her arm the blood is not racing through her she can no longer do harm

she painted her pretty picture but her picture had a twist you see her mind was the razor and...

No.
Nope.
Nu-uh.
No.
I refuse.
........
Okay, I give up!
It is takeing too much energy for me to smile.
So, no more fake Hope. I'm just not going to smile or laugh anymore.

Everyone will ask questions. It will be such a burden. But I will ignore their silly questions, and their obstructive thoughts behind my back.

Goodbye, smile.
Don't come back soon.

I miss him.
Still.
After all this time.
After all this pain.
Something is wrong with me.
I'm still cutting.
I'm still throwing up my food.
I have been getting kicked out of house a lot lately, and I don't cre, I actually hope and pray that I freeze to death.
I am such a failure.
I stopped trying.
I gave up.
I couldn't help it...
I was being driven to insantity.
So, here I am.
With scars all over my...

Really don't know what I'm doing anymore. I worked so hard on my 8 page booklet for college and took it through for mum and dad to look at to see if they thought anything needed changed, mum just got mad at me asking why I'm trying so hard if I don't even want to be doing the course anyway. This morning she was texting me telling me she didn't want me falling behind.
I don't know what I want to do after this year. I don't know what I want to do for the rest of my life. I don't see anything...

Ugh... Oldness... Decisions... Impossible
Been given the A-Level book, have to decide what to do with life...
How on earth am I meant to decide?
16 subjects to choose from... 4 subjects to do...
Not sure how to choose, don't know what I want to do...
Same grades all round... Hate/Like all subjects the same...
IDIOT!

I wander if I should give up, not do A-Levels, not go to uni and just be a loser.
That would be easy... That would suit me fine....

I don't think I am strong.
I seriously doubt the whole concept.
I cry everyday when I am home.
Nothing goes right.
I seriously can't go left.
I'm screwed up.
But I am trying.
I suppose that is what you call "strong"

But I'm not.

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Sat in the internet cafe in college. Debating whether or not to have a hot chocolate and something to eat to see if it wakes me up any. Emailed Frank to tell him I was in but just not in class and he came down to see me to make sure I was okay and not having any problems with people in the class or the work we're doing. It's really good how supportive my tutors are being over my lack of motivation to go into class. I'm meeting with support this afternoon so hopefully I can talk to them about it...