I'd love to say that things have been great but then I would be lying. Anyway don't want to moan on about me. I've realised it doesnt matter and in the end noone really cares.

Test was all about suicide and euthanasia
I managed to come to the conclusion that suicide is a good thing and all Christians should give euthanasia to people that want it.
Aparrently that's not right...
I think I was meant to say that it goes against God or something...
I went on the opinion that God's a load of rubbish...
Not sure if I believe...
Well I do believe, but I don't worship...
I think this test of faith or whatever else it could be is rubbish...

Bullshit.
Bullshit, bullshit.
Everything is bullshit. Everyone is lying to me lately. They are all playing with my mind it is driving insane. Noone of this is going work. I am a useless human being takeing up somebodys precious air that they deserve and I don't.
I am useless.
I am a useless peice of bullshit.
I am a good for nothing nobody.
I am a failure.
I am stupid.
I am a hopeless romantic.
I am fat.
I am broken.
I...

I tried spice for the first time about a week ago now. I havent been sober since. Every time a start to get clear headed i want more. I know its not the drug thats addictive i just have an addictive nature... what do i do?

On study leave Revsision 24/7 and exams though
Scared about tomorrow, have ethics exam...
The paper triggers me It's all about death, euthanasia and suicide...
My philosophy paper today went ok... I definately did enough to get a B and I wouldn't be surprised if I got an A. I know this is jinxing it but hey...
Never feel as if papers go well so I'm in an odd way...
Off to revise Chemistry now, staying away from ethics, I'm so on the edge right now...

It's time for me to get up. I can't even begin to express how much I don't want to. But thanks to my unconscious mind I'm now terrified to be home alone.
I had a dream last night that I was in my old house alone when I saw someone outside the window. They saw me looking at them and started looking for things to throw. Brick at the window. I ran upstairs and hid ouside my room, the only place in the house I thought was safe. Locked myself in the bathroom with my phone and tried to call the...

He is confuseing me.
He says he likes me sometimes. && then he yells at me, saying he needs to think.

He is supposed to ask me out tomorrow afterschool.

I want to say yes.

But everything is telling me to say no.
I'm going to get hurt.
I'm going to get hurt.
I'm going to get hurt.
I'm going to get hurt.
I am so terrfied, it can't even be expressed.
I just won't go to school.
But Shays counting...

The one person that always said he believed in me and that he loved me no matter what. But no, now he's saying he doesn't care about me, it's the hardest thing to hear from your grandad.
I can't handle the arguments or the pain. I'm worthless..

I want to write again.

I want my thoughts on paper.
I want to get upset when I mess up. When the ink gets smuged, and it gets my finger black. When I hear the crunch of crumbling the mistake and throwing it away, hearing it hit the bottom of the trash can.

I want to get it right.
I want to smile a small smile, barely at the coner of my lips. Why? Because I wrote something I was proud of.

I stopped writing, because my thoughts were depressing,...

Went to Birmingham today for football and shopping.
Met up with my uncle...
Found out I have a half brother called Ryan after Giggs.
He's 1, my father had him at 47
Don't know how I feel, envy that Ryan lives in luxery I suppose, but I would like to meet him when he's old enough.
My father knows about my footy love and the fact my uncle met up with me. That feels horrible that he knows things but still doesn't support me in any way.
You guys love me and mum...