Dear Mommy,

I wish I could call you that again, but I just don't feel like I could. We aren't close like we used to be. I don't feel like I can tell you anything, without you giving me that "Oh God, you're hopeless aren't you" look. I want you to tell me you're proud of me, you never have and I feel like you never will. I want you to say "You'll do great in college," not "What are you going to do, when you drop out?" Please, Mom at least act like you...

I can't do anything right.
My words are always wrong.
My actions always misplaced.
My heart set for disgrace.
It is just too late for me to make up anything now.
I never saw myself as an addict cutter, or an addict to pain.
But now I am.
I like cutting myself.
I like the rush of pain.
And you know what?
I don't want to change it.
I just want the pain.

Was supposed to be going to Asda around now to get Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part Two on DVD. But I just called the store and they said they won't have it till the morning.
I won't have time to watch it if I get it in the morning. I've got a driving lesson just before 12, a psych appointment then at half 2. I don't want to wait till 4 to watch it, that's ages.
I'm also working tomorrow night so I'll probably be just as exhausted as I am now by this time tomorrow.
...

Most of you will think this is weird.
I don't care.
Progress...
Sweet sweet revenge on this depression...
Didn't realize until I was in bed last night going through my day...
I said to myself 'when I have a house'
WHEN!!!!!!!!!
It shows that subconciously I can see a future!
That sounds more mad...
But to me this makes sense...
I have hope...
On the outside I may be struggling to see it.
But that doesn't matter...
If...

...

I keep compareing myself to my sister, April.
She is short. Super skinny. Supper pretty. All the girls want to be her friend. Everyboy wants to date her. She is perfect. Aboslutely flawless! Shes the girl everygirl wants to be!
Including me!
I have been starving myself for over a week now. I want to be skinny like April. I want to be skinny. I want to be pretty.
But it isn't working.
Even with me running every few days. Even with me cutting and loseing blood....

Last Tuesday i had a phychiatrist appointment, prescibed me antidepressants/ anxiety pills. Started them today. Didnt want to, they won't help anyways I lied to the phychiatrist just like i do everyone else about wanting/tring to kill myself. Just said no, and tried to look like i would never do that. I just kept on keeping the truth from him. I wish i could just stop lying, and i wish everyone would just forget im alive. Or if i could disapear that would be nice. Im tired of lying. But my parents...

...

Gary Speed.
Legend.
Shaken the whole country up.
Normal guy, had everything, commits suicide.
Painted my nails in memory of him.
A top guy.
Showed me that my depression is ok.
He had a normal day, I watched him on football focus that morning!
Happy
Smiling
Laughing
Has a full day, talks to Robbie Savage and then has a 4...