Dylan Matthew,

Even though I never had a chance to meet you, I still love you. You will always be a part of me and I hope you are looking out for me. I hope you are proud of the life I'm living, I'm trying to make the best of everyday just for you.

Lately I have been wondering, who you would have been today? Today more than ever. I wonder if you would have been the protective brother or would you have just ignored me. I would hope it would've been the former, because...

"I find it kinda funny, i find it kinda sad, that the dreams in which im dying are the best ive ever ever had. Its a very very mad world"

Soo, if you read my last couple of posts, me an my mom do not get along at all.

But my mom came up to me yesterday when I was making supper and told me she is taking me shopping in Saint Cloud on Saturday, because she needs to talk to me.

So it's going to be me and my mom.......no one else..........all day........here's to hoping this goes well. Wish me luck.

There's a voice in my head telling me to lose weight. Just x more pounds. Just until you reach this weight. Just until you're underweight. Just until your BMI is this. Just until you die.

I wanted to get better but I can't do it on my own. I keep thinking I don't have a problem, like I'm in denial, but then I realise, like today, that this isn't normal and I'm out of control. But then the fact that I know I have a problem means that I can't have a problem because people with eating...

Dad, we haven't talked in weeks. It's begining to feel like months. Even years.
OH WAIT! You missed 14 years of my life!!!!!
&& this time you said you were going to be here, that you would never leave, that you promised.
Why did you lie?
It's like I do not even exist in your eyes. If you have time for my MOTHER (of all people) then why do you not have time for me?
I guess I will always be the forgotten child.
I wasn't worth haveing a loveing father...

Yesterday was amazing. It was the first day I’ve actually properly enjoyed for as long as I can remember. It was cold, wet and I had to queue for almost 4 hours, It was a 3hour drive but every minute was worth it. Me and my friend M had fun, especially finding out there was a place called Cockfosters Oh how mature are we. M's mom said she'll take us there seen as it amused us so much. We also annoyed one woman on the underground (which was actually over ground?) the lights kept randomly going on...

These past few days have been pretty good. My fake smile is getting me through.
But somthing happened with Bryan. You know, the 4 year exboyfriend? Ya. Him.
We started talking again. It was a real smile with him. He kept me laughing. I couldn't help laughing, it was too contagious. Everything with him is just ...just so...natural. And when I hugged him goodbye...I almost forgot he wasn't mine, and I wasn't his. Just for a moment. Just for a glimpse. I saw all the happy times we used...

I know im not completely alone anymore. but i still feel empty inside. without you, i feel that im nothing. where have you gone?Its been almost a year and I'm nearly dead inside. i know you'll never read this cause its shit, but i don't care. i miss you.

My throat hurts...
Can bearly utter a word...
Back on paracetamol and stuff with caffiene..
Love that.. gives me energy.. makes me feel better..
So glad I don't have real school tomorrow and just clothes show...
Not buying anything but it's a good chance to talk to C and make her love me.
I moan too much...
I should be fortunate for all I have...
Next time I talk about me or moan please stop me..
Tell me to get real and stop being stupid!

Everyday she knocks me down and because of her I'm slowly losing my mind, I just know it. I'm going crazy and I just know one day I'm going to snap

How many times can I break til I shatter? Let's find out shall we?