Sometimes I think I'm recovering, I think I am...
But then I get this nagging feeling, the one that says I'll never recover...
But I will... I have to right?
Feeling a bit down, I mean I'm well exited for xmas and stuff but I've just realized something, something sad but very necessery.
I think life is starting to feel right... I think life is the right option now?
I'm not sure... But this is certainly an improvement...
And I've beem genuinely smiling a bit recently......

Im so tired of trying... I've spent the past 8 years being sexually abused by both of my cousins who are my age... I've spent 6 years dealing with cutting, bruising, and scratching myself... That entire time i was dealing with issues with my mom who mentally abused me and issues with my dad who was never there... Im so tired of trying so hard for nothing... The only one i have is my best friend and even in that she doesnt really understand and tries so hard but i just cant do it anymore. I...

"Tonight we fight,
For the lost all the cold,
Tonight we fight,
for the ones who can-not,
tonight win for the ones you gave shit,
i guess you knew, we were coming for you,
You strike us down, and we get right back up! Pat the dust off ourselves and we're comin for more!!!"

...

It's been a tough couple of years. Gone through a lot of bad times,
good times,
but it's alright.
I have a feeling that this year might be my last in the house with my "family."
Almost got kicked out again yesterday. I'm currently looking for somewhere to live. My parents are probably getting divorced before i turn 18. If they do, i will leave, if not ill wait. But i am leaving. Possibly to Florida I have a great friend there and i have some family there. So,...

Been laying in bed for the past half hour thinking.
I'm absolutely dreading college tomorrow. And today for that matter but tomorrow is worse. Clearly I'm just being pathetic though, as always.
That's me, the useless waste of space who can't even handle a full day at college. Spends the mornings wanting to cry, cut, overdose, lie, jump in front of a car, fake illness, anything to avoid college. Tried talking about it and everyone just assumes it'll be fine once I get there. It's worse....

Let my guard down a bit... But not sure if that's actually a good thing...
Got mock results today and a friend (not a best friend but we get on) was crying and talking to me on the computer...
Well obviously I didn't like it and reacted like I would to someone here...
She stopped crying and called me a sweetie
Inside I like that... Made me happy...
But y'know... I'm known as the strong unsensitive one... Hopeless with crying people... Blunt.
I never let my...

So yesterday I spent the day with my mom. I was really nervous for it, I was worried about what she wanted to tell me.

It all started out well. We talked about a lot of stuff and we went shopping for books, which was odd because my mom doesn't like to read, but she knows I do.

It wasn't until we went out to eat that she told me what she wanted. Just blatantly came out with it and said, "I wished your brother had lived instead of you, maybe then my life would be better."...

I don't know why i agreed to going back out with him.
We got back home in the car and he kissed me and then started being really rough so i pushed him off me, he kept trying to put his hands in places i didn't want them, but the more i tried to stop him the rougher he got and the more he hurt me >_<
I feel really bad though, he's my bf, i should have let him >_<
The more i cried the more upset and annoyed he got, i feel so stupid and pathetic :/

...