My mom hates me..
My "friends" hate me...
The people on here probably hate me..
I just don't fit in anywhere.

And, the only enjoyment I get out of my "life" is talking to him. But, he's in college. So, apparently.. I'm not supposed to talk to him according to my mom. And, if she makes me stop talking to him... I'll go back to right where I started.. Trying to kill myself.

Someone help me.. someone save me..

My guidance counselor: "Have you cut anymore?"
Me: *deer in the headlights look, reluctantly shakes head no*

Answer I WANT to say: Yes, about three or four times since a bit before vacation. Relapsing keeps happening and I'm losing control again.

Can't have my parents knowing, though, really can't. Can't be locked up for 72 hours in some psych hospital. Grounded. Have my technology taken. Get lectured by various relatives.

The other day my...

I got my boyfriend addicted to gaia.

Anyway, things are finally starting to look up for me a little, as far as moving in with Jon. But only a little. It's kinda complicated, but I guess I should count my blessings and keep moving forward.

I've been reading a LOT for the past few days. I got so many books for Christmas it's a bit overwhelming. I'm also job hunting. It's not easy. Why do jobs have to be so elusive?

While sitting there talking to people feeling fine I end up cutting.
I'm so stupid. It's on the wrist this time. At least if I'm gone for a while you know why.

I'm so fucked up. Get that sad scared feeling in my heart out of nowhere. Cut out of nowhere. Tired out of nowhere. No motivation out of nowhere.

Sick with a cold right now. The fuck's wrong with me?

Urgh, I can't deal with anything right now. I've been really ill for the last week or so and my mom is being ridiculous saying i'm fine when i'm clearly not.
I can't be doing with the way she talks to me and the way she treats me and the only way i can stop myself exploding at her is SH.
I just want to cut and hurt, i don't wnat to have to deal with life anymore. I want her to leave me alone :/

I ask for a young therapist so I can relate. I get the old chick who did my intake because of my stupid schedule. I just don't want to miss school or quit my community service, but while I lied to my parents saying I liked that lady, I really only found her okay. But my mom said flat up it's either deal with her or don't go at all, and I kinda DO have to go because while my parents don't know this, it's either go to therapy or overdose. The pills are still getting harder to say no to. And nobody...

Lost my appetite recently.
Even when it hurts I don't want to eat.
When I do I'm full after like 3 bites.
Kind of glad.
Been waiting for me to not need to eat 24/7
Not good when you're meant to be getting rid of chocolate
But nice for me
I put on weight and now I'm running and hardly eating I should lose it?
I do force myself to eat some tea so its not terrible
And I eat brekky on a school day
But if I'm not hungry surely that's ok
...

I'm so cold.
I haven't got any work done.
The numbers in front of me are telling me I haven't eaten enough.
But once they're in my head I've eaten too much.

My friend told me that she had noticed. That she'd seen the drastic weight loss and that she was worried. She said that when we did the cake stall and she was telling me to eat a cake it was because I was so dizzy and she was worried.

I don't know what to think about that. I mean, part of me...

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Threw up for the first time after eating over new year. Only a tiny bit but now I know I can.

Shit. How the hell did things get this bad.

Right now I'm fighting the urge to go throw up. I ate ages ago, it's not even about getting food out. It's about punishing myself. Because I hate myself.

I have no idea how this happened. I feel worthless.