I was gonna write a blog entry, but I don't know what to say.

Don't know what to feel.

Don't know how to cope.

I'm restricting again. It really messes up my mind. I honestly can't think straight.

So why am I doing this?

Not to get skinny. Not really. I don't care, I'll always look awful.

I don't know why I'm doing this.

My hands are so cold.

I want to give up on my school work...

Im so scared. I have a counselling appointment with both of my parents there. To talk about me wanting and trying to kill myself, lying, and me cutting again. Im gonna cry. Show weakness. I hope i can make it through the appointment. I hate my life so much right now. I wish i could just disapear for a month or two.

I promised my parents i wouldnt cut but i don't think i can keep that promise. Its so tempting to cut. Just to feel the pain, and blood will make me calm. It will help....

I almost got in a fight.
With who? Micah Adams.
I waa wearing her ex-boyfriends sweater. That's it. She slammed a desk into me. I didn't do anything. Neither did the teacher.


I don't really want to talk about it. It's just another thing making me realize I'm just a problem.

Man, this whole day..
Just gotta stay heartless.

...

This wasn't supposed to happen, I'm not supposed to be in so much pain....it should have worked :/

Yep, I hate my life. The one and only thing keeping me going is Jon. Jon never fails to comfort and encourage me, but then mom comes in and tears down the walls of hope he helps me build.

She says I have no life, she says I'm not good enough, she says I'll fail if I try, she says I'm never going to be anybody.

I'm nobody. I'm useless. I'm stupid for dreaming.

You know why I love being with Jon? He's the only person in the world capable of comforting me...

I want to die. Let me die. Please. I can't take this. I can't talk to anyone. I can't deal with this. Why am I not dead? Please... I can't cope. Gonna cut tonight. Should stop myself. But who cares? Why does is matter anymore? I'm going to lie to the counselor anyway. Don't want to see him anymore. Don't want to see anyone. Sick of all this. So sick of this. Fed up of pretending when really I'm breaking apart inside. Go away. Go away, life. I'm sick of you. You hurt too much.

Thats it...I can't do this anymore...I won't make it through, i give up

Why do I make myself feel

unwanted, hated, untouchable, disgusting?

Nobody else does that to me; I do it to myself. Because people shouldn’t want me, should hate me… But when they love me anyway, shouldn’t I give them that credit? Let them help me, when that makes them happy?

Maybe if I were less selfish. I’d deserve it enough to be able to believe it.

Why do I make myself feel

unwanted, hated, untouchable, disgusting?

Nobody else does that to me; I do it to myself. Because people shouldn’t want me, should hate me… But when they love me anyway, shouldn’t I give them that credit? Let them help me, when that makes them happy?

Maybe if I were less selfish. I’d deserve it enough to be able to believe it.