Struggling to think straight. Struggling to breathe.
I've been so on edge since last night and it's scary. I keep imagining dark shapes out of the corner of my eye. Keep seeing my door move and then I look up and it's perfectly still. I jump at the slightest noise and just can't relax or feel comfortable. Last time I felt this way I just cut up my arms and legs a bit until I was calm enough to settle down and sleep.
I haven't been scared of the dark for 2 years now. I've been able...

I had such a horrible day!
In the sixth form meeting we had to talk about safe driving and had to watch a video about a teenage girl that has a car crash, killing her two best friends and two people in the other car who were the parents of two young children. It was really graphic and you saw the whole crash but that wasn't even the bit that hit me the most, it was all the family reactions and the baby crying for her mom who was dead in the front.
I know that it does make us think...

I just want to die. Curl up in a little ball and die. Everything is just too much.

Every commitment I have is too much to deal with.

I'm hungry. I want to eat. My stomach hurts I'm so hungry.

Why can't I bring myself to eat?

I'm hurting.

Woke up about four times in the night, once with a really bad stomach ache and the rest because my ears and head were really hurting.
When I got up this morning my head was hurting so badly i wanted to cry and i stood up and fell over.
The medication just makes me feel weird and sick and sleepy.
I want this all to go away.
I really need a hug :/

Well, today was a bad day. Mom yelled at me a lot again. Things were finally peaceful, but it was only a short reprieve.

She yelled at me for so many things that were stupid, and not even my fault. I don't want to go into it too much. However, there was some good in my day. Jon stayed on the phone with me later than usual, and we reminisced about some things in our relationship. Strangely, we reminisced most about the time he was in the hospital. It was our hardest time together,...

tumblr_lxltpowNWv1r7ni1no1_500.jpg

Some days i want to live my life, and others i don't get why im here, and want to die. Today was the latter. People and things at school almost made me cry, almost walked out of class because tears threatened to come. I can't do this all day tomorrow. I can't do this ever. Im making plans again.. Why won't this end?


I think i'm gonna tell all my friends at school tomorrow that i don't want friends anymore. i need to be alone before i die....

Went to the doctors yesterday, I've been given medication and I have to go and see a specialist about my blood pressure as it's high. I've got to go back tommorrow and in a week and I've still got to go the the Ear, throat and nose doctor on the 5th. :/ I hate this, I want it all to go away and nothing seem to be helping, I've already had loads of tests and seen several doctors and they still don't know what is wrong.

Finally back home after a long, boring, painful, and exhausting ride home. Had to walk a stupidly long route just get out of the bloody station and into town because the government have decided to close all the roads and paths into the station and dig up the road and keep it closed for 50 weeks. Yes, 50. I want to take whoever thought that up and bury them in one of their own pointless road holes.
Taxi on the way home going past where my papa lives (sorry, putting a d at the end of that was...

I need some time out to think, I need to decide whether being here is helping me or not atm with family and my future.
I love you all so much and you are amazing people, but right now I feel like i'm just lying to my family as I can't tell them about TH. I want them to be able to trust me and I feel like they can't when i'm lying and they know i am.

People who have me on fb may have noticed I've deactivated my account as it just distracts me from work and i need to concentrate...

There is so much I want to write but I just can't find the words. I just...I just feel horrible. I mean really horrible. I'm exhausted. I'm trying so hard I really am but it just doesn't seem to be good enough. I'm not good enough. I miss my best friend. I miss talking to her. She knew just what to say.

I can't face school tomorrow. I just don't know how...