Today I was in therapy. Everything went well until she said that next week she was "learning who would be taking over for her" and that she'd find someone that I'd like and we'd have a few meetings together. Now, I don't know if she means she's retiring or just has to be away for a while due to circumstances or what, but I'm sitting here flipping out because I'm scared that she does mean she's retiring. I started to trust her and open up to her. I talked to her about my SH and everything...

You get a free cookie and a hug if you recognise where the title comes from.

It's been a weird week. My brother and I woke up on Sunday to notes from the "Easter Bunny" saying that other bunnies were trying to invade his (her?) territory but to remain faithful since he (she?) has brought us chocolate every year. Mum still hides our eggs for us to find, and we enjoy the hunt, so we went looking and in the garden I found a mirror for me from "Looking good bunny"...

Learning is not always a good thing. Sometimes you learn things you'd really rather not know. Because ignorance is a lot simpler in so many ways.

So what did I learn about today? Child-on-child sexual abuse. How is this relevant?
Oh god how is it ever. I don't know how to talk about what happened.
Anyway, I read the wiki, and it sounds very similar to what I experienced . . . and all the consequences for later life fit, too. I've been wondering if I've been kidding myself...

Got my head shaved to a number 4 and it STILL feels like I'm wearing a beanie. However in about 3 weeks it will be the right length for super short spikes. Delicious. And at least it's not in my face or hanging on my neck anymore.

Had McDonald's for breakfast. BLT bagel(s) om nom nom. Was delightful. Really enjoyed them. Like, a huge amount. I wish they served bagels all day.

Booked my bus ticket. Transfer in Rotorua, apparently, but I'll be in Rotorua for lunch. Will...

I've heard there was a secret chord
That David played and it pleased the Lord
But you don't really for music, do ya?
It goes like this, the fourth, the fifth,
The minor fall, the major lift
The baffled king composing hallelujah . . .


I had an appointment with my psychologist today. My. New. Psychologist. Named Yvonne. Well. She's persistent, I'll give her that. She's currently "getting to know me", apparently, which I really don't...

Afraid to leave the house
I hate to hear what they say
But I guess it's true
Because I believe it all now too
They tell me I'm worthless
That I need to kill myself
What they don't know is that I'm close to doing that my own
I don't need their encouragement
I cut my wrist to show the pain that words cannot describe
To show how much i hate myself on my own body
They don't know I do it or that I starve myself and throw up hoping...

A razor down my wrist
As I give night one sweat last kiss
My room is dark, my music blasts
No one hears my sobs
I get lightheaded and feel my body hit the floor
My bones break...
I'm now so fragile, so small
I realize the blood now...
I'm in a puddle of it
For a moment I am terrified
But then I realize this is what I want...
To free everyone from me
To get away from this horrible place
My life is gone... I am free of...

I'm sorry if this gets long...I just feel awful. I'm not really sure where this is coming from. I just feel a little down right now. I've been feeling like this off and on for some time, and it usually goes away after a few days, but then a week or two later my sadness will come back. I can't shake my insecurities. I've tried so hard, I really have. But it's so hard.

I had it literally beaten into me for years by everyone around me that I was just this hideous monster that nobody...

I wish they knew how much I cared, how I would do anything to be with them right now and hugging them.
I wish I wasn't such an idiot and that my family would listen when i try to ask for advice rather than judging me and tell me i'm being a drama queen.

I wish I could do something about me about everything but i'm too scared, worthless, don't want to waste peoples time I guess.

Always seem to have stomach ache atm...
Pain is good...
Walking when feeling paralysed...
I think there is something wrong with me...