No matter how many times people try to convince me otherwise, no matter how many times I try to convince myself otherwise, I always feel in my heart that I'll never be good enough. That no matter how hard I try it'll never be enough. That I'll never succeed. That nothing will ever change for me.

I go through periods of doing good. Today was one of my better days in THREE WEEKS. But I know it won't last. It never lasts. I've been so depressed lately even though I never show it, everything...

Crying again.
Third time today.
Live for one thing. Want it to go away and leave me.
I just want to be left along to die. And not feel guilty!

In somewhat chronological order :P

So I went to the doctor, who filled out a medical certificate no fuss, although she said that WINZ will want me to go to one of their doctors to be assessed. I'm not too bothered, I've fulfilled my obligation, I'll have everything I need for my appointment on Friday.

Got cigarettes and topped up my phone prior to going to the doctors. Felt poor. Oh well.

Then I came home and messed around online for a while, waiting...

RIP little buddy, I'm going to miss you.
I know my parents keep saying you were just a cat but i loved you so much, you were like a friend. I always joked with nan saying i was taking you to uni with me, but you don't know how much i wish i was. I'm really going to miss just sitting and talking to you, I could tell you anything and you weren't going to saying anything back of]r think badly of me and i loved that.

I love you <3 xx

Accidentally cracked my knuckle on a door handle. Hurt. Think it may bruise. Oops.

Tomorrow is pay day. YAYCIGARETTESOMGYAY. Also, I'm seeing the doctor to get the medical certificate for my Invalid's application. Also, I have a viewing of the $165 per week unit at 1:30pm. Also, I am handing back my gym shirt and bag, and saying goodbye to my boys. So I have a somewhat busy day planned.

As for now, I'm going to go and read a book and eat unhealthy food and wish I had...

Urgghh stupid conference at school today, they're going to make me think about my future again >_< I'm fed up of it.

Don't want to go, I'm going to be all alone again, no one cares, I guess I'd rather be alone, it's easier that way. :/

I've either made the worst mistake of my life, or done the best thing ever, but I'd put my money on the first one.

I'm meeting up with my online 'boyfriend' (the inverted commas because I don't class an online relationship as proper).

I promised my mum I wouldn't meet him but I can't stop myself. She always finds out when I lie. She will find out and she will hate me and ban me from talking to him. She'll ban the internet, football and anything but school work and homelife....

Worried...Scared..Have a feeling something bads happened...
Please be okay, I love you, I care about you >_<

Panicking, can't do this :/

The weather's cooling down at last. So by that I mean, outside is bloody freezing, but it was still too hot to wear pyjama bottoms in bed last night. That's Auckland for you though.

The property manager for the unit I'm looking at got back to me, it's still available (YUSSS!!), and she gave me an 0800 number to ring tomorrow morning in order to arrange a viewing. Also, she gave me the actual move in cost, which is $849.75 - so I still should be able to get assisstance from WINZ for...

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