It's cold. So cold. Apparently 13 degrees outside, but feels colder - like about 6 or 7.

I can feel my mind letting go. I don't have to live for gym any more; I don't have to live for my cat anymore.

Everything stops when I stop, you see. Once I'm dead, the reality is, all consciousness will cease, and so will all knowledge of the living world. There is no afterlife, from dust we came, to dust we shall return.

Tonight is the night.

I'm...

I'm tired of people judging me for things that don't apply to me. Especially my age. It's frustrating to have to be held back because of my fucking age. - It's true, I've only been on this planet for about 14 freaking years, but I am, in many ways, not the same as everyone else my age. Do you want to know what my peers are doing? Acting like what they do today does not affect what they do tomorrow. That's not me, so people shouldn't act like it is!

Recently, people have said...

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Almost did it last night. Then I was like, no, competition today.

Staying alive for one thing, and that one thing isn't even my cat? Pathetic.

I tried pulling a rope around my neck so that it cut off circulation to my head, but not my breathing. Based it on martial arts techniques I read about a while back. Got a mean head rush, but didn't fall unconscious or anything like that. Experimenting with how to organise a hanging that does the same thing. If I can cut off the...

How do I even explain what's racing through my head right now? Never good enough, never deep enough, never thin enough. Cut. Cut. Cut. Slice myself up. Cut deeper than ever before last night. You could see the fat of my thigh in the cut, and yet, it doesn't hurt anymore. It even started healing, and I hate it. I WANT to feel the pain..does that even make sense? Probably not. I doubt anyone will even read this.
I'm sorry, I'm just rambling nonsense. Never lost enough weight, never cut deep...

So I went for a walk on the motorway again last night. Whilst I wasn't doing it to harm or kill myself, it got me noticed. I'm not sure if that's what I wanted or not.

The police who picked me up said they'd never seen somebody walking in the middle before. It was new on them. They took me back home, had a conversation with Mum, rang their supervisors, and decided to detain me.

So I spent the night at Manukau Police Station, in a cell, by myself, alternately laying...

I guess I should feel bad for skipping community work today. I don't. I feel bad in general, but not specifically about that. I'll probably get a warning. If they want, they can take me to court on breach and I can be fined or jailed. Know what? Right now, that doesn't bother me. I just needed to get some new clothes, and some pads. Periods ftl. So I did. Now I have trackpants with a ridiculous amount of Xs before the L, so they should both fit, and be comfortable. As well as a new white shirt,...

I feel like I'm suffering from brain overload. I'm not even doing that much.

Mondays, I coach. Tuesdays are now a free day. Wednesdays, I coach. Thursdays, I have community work and supervision appointments. Fridays, I have mental health appointments, and I coach. Weekends, I now have competitions, as competition season is, as of Saturday, in full swing. This weekend I will be coaching on Saturday and judging on Sunday.

I most likely will not find the time or the money...

Okay, so I'm always struggling with my friends, if it isn't the trans stuff, it's the "you don't support me" stuff... Like, really? I can only count on one person that's my friend to talk about everything, and I don't want to overwhelm them.

Like my friend, let's call her E. She's kinda sorta staying with me, and we were talking about something, and she asks me if "they're like I use to be", as in, trans. And I'm like "use to be", WTF? Just because I...