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Hmmm… It looks like I’m not really that good at blogging on a regular basis… If you looked up “Procrastination” in the dictionary, there would be a picture of me! Although, I have been pretty busy these past few months…

Nevertheless, over this next month I have almost nothing to do (yay!). So, after cleaning, reorganizing, and re-cleaning my room, I found a huge stack of old magazines that I’ve been saving for a couple years. Then I thought to myself, maybe I should actually do something...

I can't keep going. I can't. It's either overdosing or cutting or starving. I think I'll go with starving this time. It's the only thing on my mind. I can't put it off any longer.

There's no one to talk to about it. And I don't mean people on here. You're all lovely. Supportive. Wonderful. But I just want someone to hug me and tell me things are ok. I want someone to tell me I'm beautiful. But someone who knows me, who has seen me, who has talked to me. But they wouldn't, because...

So im still doing good. I haven't cut in 75 days, which is one day away from 10 weeks. 10 weeks ago i never would have imagined getting this long SH free. But i have and im proud of myself. I can make it past this. And i will. I have another therapy appointment in about a week. And for once i have nothing to hide. I like the new person i am seeing, so im actually looking forward to it.

I saw my friend L day before yesterday. The first time i saw her all summer. It was nice, being...

So, Linny's food bowl (the one in my room, he also has one in the main house) currently has no food in it because I don't want to open the new bag until I move, on Tuesday. But he's determined - he's currently pushing around the pieces to get to the crumbs he's left around and under the food bowl. I found it kind of funny, his determination. He's like, "fuck you I know there's food here somewhere! I can smell it!"

On the bright side, him clearing up his crumbs now means...

It's raining. It started raining overnight. I know, because I kept waking up, because I was too warm, and then my blankets would feel funny, and I'd realised I'd stripped them back to down by my knees or something of the sort. Also, my goosedown stuffed blanket has seceded from my bed, temporarily, and even without that, I was still too hot! Seriously. It's WINTER here.

Today seems a fair bit cooler than last night and I'm moderately glad. It's been raining pretty much all day, which...

...

I feel like I'm going to crumble, that I'm going to blow away in the wind like dust. I'm so there at the moment. I'm just so so so so tired. I'm just ready to burry myself in the covers and never come out. Not to eat and not to talk.

I'm just so tired of being so different. I'm just so tired of never fitting in, never feeling like I belong. I just want to give up. Lock away everything and just pretend that it's all right, that I don't exist.

Like, now I have to deal...

If you guys ever need someone to talk to, I'm a great listener and I'll help as well as I can.


~Kayla.

Yesterday, I had therapy. I really needed it, the voice was screaming at me, constantly.
"Your not good enough! Get off your fat ass and loose some weight! As long as your thin, nothing else matters! You want to be perfect, right?!" Etc, etc etc.

I was reading something a while ago about how it doesn't matter if your thin if your dead, and immediatly my eating disorder says: "Who cares if your dead as long as your thin. The thinnest. I know you would do anything...