Sitting at my laptop, can randomly smell french fries. I am down with that. There are no french fries in the house, all the windows and stuff are closed, and there's a brick wall between me and the neighbours. Heh, phantom smell. At least it's a good smell. I mean damn, smells like fast food and I'm not even at McDonald's.

Leisa said today that she'd talk to WINZ next week to try and speed up the process of me going on Invalid's benefit. It'll be good to go on it, cos then I can shout...

Wakes up some time pre-dawn, wondering why the fuck she's just dreamed of being indecently assaulted in Newmarket. Goes back to sleep.

Wakes up and gets out of bed around 10:30am. Eats 4 weetbix, with milk and sugar. Brushes teeth, has a shower, climbs into (mostly) clean clothes. Rolls a smoke and smokes it, leaves for the bus stop.

Catches a bus to Manukau, walks from Manukau to Lambie Drive. Realises she's about an hour early. Rolls another smoke and smokes it, plays...

The sadness is deep down inside of me. I know i am depressed i fell myself becoming sadder everyday. I'am losing hope in myself and life i am not sure how i am going to live through this school year but i am hoping that all the help i've been getting will help but i am am not sure , i feel like no one care and that's why i've started to cut myself but now i wish sum one would show me that they care

So yesterday I went for a walk, and went to stand on a motorway overbridge and look at traffic. I admit when I left home I was thinking of jumping, but as soon as I saw how low it was (barely 4m, maybe 5 at a massive push) I threw away that idea because I figured the most likely outcome would be a broken ankle. So I just stood there watching traffic for a while, and counting marked police cars. I got up to 7 (I was aiming for 10, then I was going to walk home), and what should happen but a uniformed...

Okay, so I'm green again. Feels good to finally be back, I hate that I had to be gone for so long. I feel like I've really ignored my friends and I apologize, but for quite some time there I just couldn't get on TH hardly at all, and when I did I had no time. It really sucked.

But my life is changing. A lot. I mean a LOT. Jon is progressively working harder and harder to find a job. I can't even remember all the places he's put in applications. He's working so incredibly hard because...

So, last Monday Sam came home.
Last Tuesday was Sam's birthday. We celebrated with drinks and pizza, it was good, and we were like, cool.
Wednesday was normal.

Thursday I overdosed on zopiclone, drank half a bottle of rum, and went for a long walk which I spent most of cutting myself with a razorblade - unusual for me, I don't usually enjoy razorblades.

I was stopped by a member of the public who was concerned about the amount of blood. She contacted emergency...

I feel like no one cares. Like I can only get advice or support if people don't know me. If i'm anonymous. I'm just a mess that no one listens to.

I kind of wished I never existed. I don't know how to function. I don't know anything. I've been told that I'm kind, that I'm mature, that I'm smart, that I know what's good for me. I don't. I don't know anything. I just do what feels fitting and live with it. I've been told I'm brave. I'm not.

Why do people exist if they're nothing? I'm nothing in every sense of the word. People make it seem like I'm something important but I'm not. It feels like I pretend almost all of the time,...

I hate the closet, but I also pretty much hate being out to people who actually kind of disrespect me without even freaking realizing it. I recognize that it's hard, but common, most of it takes just a little brain power!

I hate being in the closet because it's like lying about who I am constantly. I'm being someone that I actually am not and has not existed for the longest time. I want to be able to use my rightful pronouns and the right clothing, the right bathroom, all sorts of...

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