(*in time to the music in my head

So I went to court this morning. I turned up late but who gives a shit? As long as you turn up, they won't put out a warrant for you.

The outcome is this: my case has been adjourned for three weeks so I can get my hands on three things - one, my discharge summary from Middlemore ED following the night in shortstay on the 16th and release the following morning of the 17th, two, the paper putting me under a section 11 on the 17th, and...

I'm scared. So scared. I have to do running and climbing and everything tomorrow, on an empty stomach. Why? Because I have to. Because those are the rules. Because if I don't, I'll cut or OD. Because I'm a huge fuck up. Because I'm a mess. Because I'm fat.

Just tried to cut some scab off my foot because it wasn't perfect. Now my foot is bleeding. Why the fuck am I doing this to myself? Why are my fingernails bitten down and the skin torn off from my fingers? Why are there scabs on...

$16 gym membership payment, $20 credit card repayment, $20 overdraft repayment, $5 fine repayment, $40 on groceries, $20 haircut, $35.80 tobacco (and papers and filters), $15 new shirt, $130 aside for when the property manger comes to pick up rent (because my benefit didn't automatically redirect it), $10 RuneScape membership, $3 ear-ring, $3 Lift Plus, $20 for the bill tins, and I still have about $30.

I. Feel. So. Rich.

My Invalid's Benefit finally got approved AND...

I received a phone call from WINZ. Miracle of miracles, it was actually GOOD news! Apparently all the right buttons have now been pushed, and I should get paid tomorrow. At which point I will need to check to make sure that part of my benefit is still being redirected in order to pay my rent. Just to make sure. Don't want my landlord to end up short or whatever.

Leisa came over. She said a lot of stuff. All stuff I've heard before, none stuff that I'm particularly interested in hearing...

So, my benefit didn't go in, at all. The money from Keys did though, so I had just enough to make a payment on my fine repayment thingy. But aside from that . . . I have nothing.

I rang WINZ and apparently they're a hop, skip and a jump away from approving my Invalid's Benefit, but they need somebody at the actual office to do that hopping, skipping, and jumping. They said that they'd get somebody to ring me back.

It has to be done before Friday, because my application...

I was doing great but then it all came crashing down. It keeps going back and forth. I don't know what to do anymore. One day im happy and want to live my life, and be a good person. The next i feel like cutting my skin up and just dying. I don't know what to do right now.

Today all i want to do is cut. Just feel the relief, and everything to go away for a couple minutes. Was depressed at school today, used the whole 'im just tired'. It worked.

I think i'll just give...

(My cat is trying to sit on my laptop. Very helpful, not.)

So I'm a bit worried. I know my flatmate's been self-harming, but it's not that deep and she isn't threatening to kill herself or anything and it is giving her brief respite from the voices, so I don't see the issue.

However her keyworker came over today and said that her doctor said that if she continues to self-harm she'll be put in hospital, and taken back out of independent living. They also think that the...

So much, you have no idea. Nekocon (it's a convention) is in November! Jon and I have to get to work with planning. One thing I've learned? Every Nekocon plan we make falls through at the last minute, never fails. We had 10 backup plans last year and every one of them went down the drain.

Frank has a hotel room already and is pre-ordering his weekend pass today. Wynter is selling her dirtbike for some extra Nekocon cash, and is still building her amazing cosplay. She'll be staying...

My chest hurts so badly again, I can breathe a lot better than yesterday but it's still horrible. I wish my mom would listen rather than going 'oh there's nothing wrong with you, just go upstairs' :/

School starts tomorrow. Somebody shoot me now.

I don't know what I'm going to do, how I'm going to hold up. Between all the hard classes, driving school, and a new "excersize plan" I don't know if I'll have time to breath.

E is being optimistic. We met at my old highschool last year, and now I'm moving to a new highschool, (it's a "magnet...