I went to bed to sleep around about 11pm, and dropped off relatively quickly. Barely 3 hours later, I wake up because my left shoulder joint is in an excruciating amount of pain. It won't click, no movement to different position helped. Some moves made the pain worse, but definitely none improved them. I couldn't breathe properly, the pain was so bad that I was panicking and hyperventilating. I got myself to sit up so I could get control of my breathing, which is just as well because I felt like...

why, why do i fell like this world isn't the place for me anymore? Why do i fell like the darkness of the day is taking over the light of the night. Tonight is the night that i say good bye to him. I miss the girl i once was but i know that the person i am isn't right i am not a dark person but now i am . I just wish the darkness i see would go away away from my i wanna smile and be happy again

Just because that requires concentration andd concentration requires alertness and attentiveness and all of those involve not smoking marijuana. So I figured I'd write a blog entry instead, killing time between the early afternoon sesh and the late afternoon sesh.

I was going to play RuneScape and then I remembered that at the moment I'm running back and forth charging fire orbs, which involves running through a dangerous cave with poisonous spiders and if I'm not concentrating I...

So Leisa came over today. It wasn't too bad, she didn't go on about community work, which is a bonus. She just wanted to go over this thing with me which was basically describe your entire life and all related goals - there was stuff about physical health, mental health, living situation, blah di blah di blah. At some point I mentioned the repetitiveness of the questions, and Leisa basically said, you have to remember that these are designed to be done with everyone. Then she goes on and says, "You're...

It strikes me as rather ominous that my probation officer stated, much more than once (in fact it felt like every second or third sentence), that she is worried about me.

Noooooot good. They have the contact details for ICT, and if they're worried, it's quite simple for them to place a phone call and say so. My probation officer (the one for the supervision sentence) is quite a nice lady, but the worry in her eyes is disconcerting. I don't like getting that look from people, it makes...

So my dislike towards this authoritarian system where our privacy rights are being curbed in the name of counter-terrorism has been growing. It was recently provoked by me being treated like a criminal at the airport for having £2,000 "undeclared" on me in cash, travelling within the EU. Firstly, I don't need to declare any amount of money when travelling within the EU, and travelling outside, I can take up to €10,000 (about £8,000 I think) without declaring. Yet they picked on me for...

I want to be able to say I'm happy, and actually mean it. I want to be able to eat a piece of cake, without crying or purging or anything else. I want to not keep finding ways to hurt myself. I slipped up, again. Found another blade, sliced my wrist open. It felt so..amazing. And yet I'm so ashamed. I can't stop wanting to hurt myself. I can't help that I just want to stop breathing, but I don't want to leave E.

I told E that I've only been half-ass trying to recover. I promised I...

I want to be happy.

Fuck this shit. I'm going to be happy.

I don't care about him. Let him do what he likes. I don't need him, I don't need the friends who aren't really friends and leave me for him and I don't need to listen to him.

I'm going back to school soon. And I'm going to get the best grades I can. I'm going to do writing. I'm going to apply for uni. I'm going to read good books. I'm going to go out with my friends. I'm going to get my ears pierced....

What a revelation, right? Not. My family and so forth were constantly blaming my on-going "poorness" and inability to pay bills on my poor budgeting skills. The truth is, you can only get your money to stretch so far - you can't create it out of nothing if you need it to make that one extra bill. You just end up in debt.

Now I'm getting more money. About double what I was getting before. Before, after my rent had been redirected, I got $86 a week. Now, after my rent's been...

Oh you want me to 'go die'? Oh okay that's cool I'm glad to know that you won't care... :/